A Bad Diagnosis Can Destroy Your Life…

……
….

Date: January 14, 2009

…BoyChat Link…

…BoyChat Link…

I wrote this in response to a BoyChat post, but opted not to post it there.

Sometimes, you just feel as though what you have written, is to much like bursting in and stealing center stage…

A bad diagnosis can destroy your life…

…as can no diagnosis, at all.

Hello confusedbl…

You are also talking about something that is the cornerstone of my life, for about half of my years alive. It probably qualifies as being half the foundation, by now…or more.

I’ve spent so many years fighting with the government, over a phantom illness I could not actually “prove” existed, or “prove” was connected to my military service…that I don’t even want to deal with it anymore. Yet, it is still here and has been with me for almost two decades…(I honestly thought I’d be dead by now).

My symptoms have been all over the place, but include most of what you have mentioned and more…some of them are truly horrible, and have an awful impact upon your life…especially long term.

People do look at you as a failure in life. All the while, they do not even comprehend what you have to cope with and work through, on a daily basis. You’re expected to perform at the same level as everyone else, or higher if you are supposed to be “in your prime”…yet it is so much more of a struggle for you, just to even show up at all.

What gets under my skin, is those people who ask, “What is wrong with you?”, seemingly sincerely…just to turn around with a retort, “You look okay to me”, after you’ve tried to explain…

At points in time like those, you realise just how alone in the world you actually are…there is only empathy, amongst those who have seen and experienced the same thing(s), up close or personally…so much of the rest of society seem to detached to comprehend…It’s not part of “their” life, so they just don’t understand it…and often don’t think it is real.

…or, you get put on a public trial of opinion, as to whether or not you are just a freeloader, trying to exploit the system…you’re reduced to potentially a criminal, “taking away funds and services, from the truly ill who actually need it” (the lowest of the low lives)…You get those looks, and the smirks on people’s faces, when you try to talk about it seriously…and what’s worse, is that you are self conscious of how it all does look, and understand how it will be judged…You don’t honestly “want” anything to do with that.

You just want people to shut up and go away…You don’t want to talk about it at all, anymore.

It’s all just one great bit, flaming ball of shit flung into the middle of your life…which nearly anyone would be ill equipped, at even knowing what to do about it.

No diagnosis is hell, because it leaves the root problem unaddressed…while leaving the doctors to shoot in the dark, and treat you for things which are not the problem.

I’ve been through this, and have been on drugs for it…because they thought it was all psychological (it is not). I fought that for a very long time, but relented, because it was the only course of action they were offering to me…After a few years, I lied…said I was “feeling better”, and walked away from it completely disillusioned…

I am going to be like this, in this altered state of living, until I am dead…and it is probably going to get worse.

The weeks and months of chronic, non-stop pain (sometimes it is horrible pain and real suffering), the overwhelming fatigue (where you just need to sleep all the time, and you’re growing physically weaker), the never ending brain fog (which makes it difficult to speak, or think things through), the regularity of being left with a “blank” mind (where you were on your way to do something, but suddenly cannot remember what)…and a grocery list of other things, which impact my life…

There are so many days, when you just want to lay down and die…and nobody else understands why…

They just want to kick you for being an “underachiever”, and relentlessly press you, to get more out of you.

I’m at the point in my life, where I know that if things continue on like this much longer, I’ll probably drop over dead on the job…

…and I desperately want to be acknowledged as 100% disabled, so I can get out of this incredible stress before it drives me into psychosis or dementia…(which I fear may have already started)…

This world is a terrible place, for those who have to bare the burden of a serious disability.

At this point in time, I’ve appealed my disability grade (though I don’t expect it to change)…and I understand, they are finally paying for PTSD (post traumatic stress disorder)…I think I am going to go after that…I think it is B.S., but it is the only way to get compensation.

I’ve gotten nothing but a handful of peanuts, for a life shattered by this (and the way sexual minorities are mistreated by this country, as well).

Don’t cry for me…and I’m not trying to hijack this thread…

I’m just saying, there are some of us who know this subject, inside and out. You are certainly not alone.

The future looks very, very grim from my standpoint…

….

……………………………………………

Tell Us What You Think...

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.