Boys in Men’s Bodies?…


Project_CELIBATE
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Date: March 2, 2010

01) BC Link

I’ve heard it said before…

…that once you reach eighteen, that is it…

Psychologically [not to be confused with physically], you never feel like you get any older.

In many ways, I feel like the same base person who I was, when I was in my teens…and I wasn’t so different then, from how I was younger [except I’d given up throwing fits].

The only difference today, is that I’ve been pushed past my capacity to cope so many times over [in multiple ways], that it would take an insane idiot to get in my face and cause me any more grief.

There is a surplus of people on this planet, who need a good, stiff bitch slap [maybe several dozen]…and I’m seeing a lot of them walking around me, these days.

I’ve certainly changed, in that regard…because I’m sick of the abuse…and the constant pressure/stress alters you.

Have I evolved from where I was as a boy?…

…You know, many people say I have a good character…though, frankly, I’ve been going crazy over these past few years, most especially…I still have good intent, and I care…and I am sincere…

Many people appreciate those characteristics I still possess [many of them since I was a young boy], because they are noble and true…they are desirable.

I’ve had various insecurities and phobias, which I picked up somewhere as a boy…and no matter what, I cannot seem to get rid of them…some of them are crippling under different circumstances…One day, it may mean the death of me.

Does this mean “I am still a boy”?

I don’t know what “grow up” means…

…I’ve paid enough dues, to cover an entire village of people…

I work, as though I were some sort of “bought and paid for” chattel…doing the work of two people, under insane levels of stress.

People push me as though there are no limitations…physical or emotional…and I often just cannot rise to that level of demand anymore…but, I keep getting back up, and pushing on…

…Is that “grown up”?

I keep my PlayStation 2 [and a handful of other game consoles, which largely just set collecting dust] set up, for binge playing…once every couple of months…It’s an escape…a coping tool, if you will…

Does this mean I’m not “grown up”?

You know, I get so frustrated, and disgusted…with being pulled “this” way, and then “that” way…by everyone and everything, tearing me apart, trying to force me to be, and conform to, just what they envision as “my rightful place in the world”.

I am not allowed my rightful place in this world…and I have enough insight, to know that much.

…but, I’m about as “grown up”, as I am ever going to be…

That I am a flawed human being, with obstacles that often seem insurmountable, is a testimony to the harsh world I live in…and what ways it has failed people like me.

Ultimately, I am alone…and I’ve not had anybody groom me for a life of success and lavish living…I’ve not been given tremendous breaks, or someone with power to look out for me and open doors. I don’t even have someone to be my life partner, because it is so damn complicated finding someone you can even trust.

If you want to judge me, because I am not conforming to an institutionalized model…

…then I can tell, you do not have the first inkling of experience, that would allow you to understand and empathize, with those who face this kind of crippling adversity.

Nobody needs to hear your parroting, of modern day, pop psychology mind farts, which have never held any credibility.

If you want to do something of value, then stop casting ignorant judgment, and start offering a hand of help to others.

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