I Honestly Do Understand…


Date: June 15, 2010

01) a matter of record

Everybody who really “had it”, wants it back. There is no doubt, in this truth.

The problem, as I see it…is that in motivation for “rekindling the magic”, people pop in here for brief spells, to talk about how good it used to be…and complain about how bad it’s become.

There is no return of the community…The heart of what we had, is missing, because to few people who were part of it, seem committed to returning and “taking back” the board[s].

Maybe, we were naive…and years, upon years…have stripped away layers of insulation…or any sense of security…and we don’t have the luxury to be naive, anymore?

Maybe, in that naivety…we could form this beautiful world, where we could let our guard down…and actually be ourselves?…and this, is what made BoyChat in it’s “golden age”, possible?

I think, though the rules have changed somewhat…we can still be human, towards each other…but, so many of us are burned…some multiple times…and in a variety of ways.

I don’t really post, quite like I used to…and I’ve changed, tremendously, over the past several years.

As largely a personal tragedy…the Steve-D who authored and posted “BC Nursery Rhymes”, or the “A BC Story” series, of years past…overwhelmingly does not exist anymore…I even tried to write a fourth installment of the latter…consisting of two, different false starts…I was to disconnected, to pull it off in any coherent way.

I used to really love my friends here, and think of them as family…to some degree…and I still do…but, they are not so much “here”, anymore…

That is sad, and depressing…but, BC is still here…and I will roll with it, as an old and comforting friend…no matter what other shit is going on, here.

It’s like I was saying, some time back…It makes me, personally, feel better…to be able to come here and post…

…and, yes…maybe, I do selectively choose, what kind of posts measure up to my standards, when considering which ones most deserve my time…and maybe I do ignore, a lot of things which are not pretty.

…but, largely, my posting style and focus, have remained the same…even to the extent of effort [two to five posts, a visit]…Maybe, I’m not as good at giving personalized greetings, anymore…and, maybe I’m not as personally warm, as I was when I was “brand new, out of the box”…

…but, I still do my thing…maybe not as much as some would like [and maybe, more than some others do like]…and I wish, people would stop complaining about “how it should be”…instead, channeling their energy into “doing their thing”, here.

I really feel, that a lot of the people who are allowing themselves to devolve into these flame wars, are just people that are really frustrated…that we no longer have something, which remains so deeply important to us.

They are left adrift…because the hopes, promises and support, has vanished…

I was once told by a dear, BL friend…that “[me being who I am, in the community, I] will never have to worry, about having a place to live”…

That good dear friend, is in a prison cell, today…and I may never have contact with him, again…

…The sentiments meant a lot to me [especially given my life circumstances]…yet, a handful of years later, and there is no support structure in place, to deliver any such thing for me…[Maybe, a lot of people just figured, someone like “me”, would never need it…I seem like someone, with “all their shit together”]…

I’ve had general hopes, in the past…of maybe, relocating to one of the “BL hot spots”…and maybe getting a place, with one of my better friends…maybe, even someone I adored, loved and trusted…

Bitter reality is, I’ve abandoned these kinds of hopes…

I was, once, offered something…a very special, personal kind of relationship…with a sweet, very well loved BoyChatter…In retrospect, I was probably a fool to decline…and who knows, where it would have gone?…Maybe, I would be in a better place, today…

…Maybe, BoyChat, and the community here…it has not all been here, to save me, in that way…

…Maybe, it was here to “save me”, in the sense of allowing me to pour myself into it…take my mind off of how shitty life is…become a part of something bigger than just myself…and reinvent myself, into something better, than what I typically “just am”…

In more recent times, I’ve become aware of fall-outs, between dear friends…people I’d have never guessed…People I thought were really, a dedicated, social structure for each other…

“I” have failed to stay in touch, with people I care about deeply…perhaps, when they needed my support [and my own problems, are really no excuse]…I hope they don’t hate me for this…I hope they never think, that anything I’ve ever felt for them, or thought about them…has ever wavered…I’ve shed tears, over some of these people, more than once. It’s weighed extremely heavy on me.

I don’t know how, to get back to a place…where I am open to that kind of relationship, again…and I don’t even know that I want, to go through all of that again, with a new bunch of people…

There is still no way, in any circumstances…that I would throw away, what I’ve had here…I will carry a number of people with me, until the day I die…because of this resource.

It is painful they are gone…I would welcome their return…but, either way, I have had a much better life, because of them…and I love them.

I want them to always know that.

If anyone is interested, in bringing these kinds of things back to the table…I am all for it.

…”I”, am an evolved animal…I don’t know what my future holds…Every time I resurface here, is another personal triumph…It means, the bottom of my own world, has not yet fallen out…and I am nobody, to base any re-birth of BoyChat upon.

I’m a lingering BC ghost, who does not mind company…and I’ll always love seeing my friends, here…

…but, it’s people with energy and vision, who need to step forward, and lead in a new age for BoyChat.

When they show up…I’ll act as a supporting cast…as always…

…unless I’m dead…or something…

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