Daily Archives: August 10, 2014

Lifelong Friendships Are Rare…

Date: August 10, 2014

01) Boy/boy relationships continuing into adulthood?

“A colleague recently raised the question as to whether boy peer friendships which include exploratory, experimental, and pleasure-seeking sex can continue into adulthood minus the sex. He wasn’t talking about gay relationships that began in boyhood, but was wondering if adult men could/would remain close nonsexual friends if they had explored sex together as boys.”

Thinking back for myself…there were only a small handful, that went anywhere beyond school acquaintance…and none of them became sexual. These relationships for me were transient…even with my best friends.

…We met, clicked, bonded…and were “inseparable” for a year or two…then something happened…someone changed schools or moved away…the bond was broken.

To me…it just doesn’t seem like a normal thing, for childhood friends to become adult friends…They are not usually allowed to…There are to many factors working against it…and many of those factors don’t even care, about the nature of the relationship.

Childhood relationships are expendable, in this world…Which is really a shameful thing.

Against that backdrop, I have to say…the relationships where kids had sex, grew up and maintained a relationship without the sex, would be very rare.

…Not at all impossible…but very rare.

Thinking back…I suppose I did have the lightest form of sexual experience with one best friend…but the hands on experiences always happened with cousins. Cousins are, of course, a bit of a different relationship. I’ve fallen out of contact with my cousins…but for years there were family events that kept getting us back together. I would not call any of us close, but there is still a bond of sorts.

At times, I have wanted to pose some questions and see what responses I’d get…I don’t know if it would be denial, or what…but I have to wonder, how they would approach our history today.

We don’t talk about it…probably because we know we stepped outside of “social norms”, and realize it’s safer left in the past…maybe because we don’t know how the other will respond.

Be Present, Be Kind, Be Available, Be…

Date: August 10, 2014

01) Question about yf

“I am having a difficult time handling the imbalance in the relationship. Simply, he is my world and I am not his. What do I do?”

Four rules to live by, when interacting with boys…

Be Present, Be Kind, Be Available, Be Reasonable.

…Another, is to understand that others have expectations of you [including fellow BoyLovers], should you be granted the privilege of befriending a young person [a child, adolescent or teen].

If any of us becomes so foolish as to not respect these expectations…it can blow up in our faces.

Children aren’t really raised to seek or accept these kinds of relationships…So, it’s important to not expect anything specific out of them.

All too often, we are the alien…when we should be letting them be the one that comes to us.

Kids are plentiful…If you are just simply present, kind, available and reasonable, for a long enough period of time…you will eventually come across the one who comes around and hangs around. You have to let them click with you, and come around for their own reasons.

…It may take years for this to happen…It might be the least cute kid you’ve ever seen…It might be a kid “three years too old”…It might be a kid with behavioral problems…Or it might be a sweet and perfect kid [based on ones own opinion]…

The important thing to know, is that life drops these relationships into our life, at unannounced intervals…We don’t get to pick and choose, like going to a car dealership, and picking out what fits our fancy…

…And when it is clear we are an alien, they’re not especially interested in…the intelligent thing to do is back off, but remain present, kind, available and reasonable. Understand, this connection may never happen…and be prepared to let it be.

I would go one step further…and suggest that BoyLovers who find themselves enchanted by a boy, should understand this does not mean it was ever meant to be. It must be a two way street, on a personal and emotional level. If it is missing in either part, then it’s not happening.

…One last thing…

…Many BoyLovers fall for “the picture perfect”, beautiful boy…Sometimes, we fall for their character…because it meets an ideal in our own minds, and fills a void in our own lives…And we want it, for that…not necessarily for a wider cause or purpose.

…I think it is important, for us to be self aware of this…and to work towards evolving past that limitation. We should not see as aesthetically ugly, the boy who does not meet our notions of physical beauty. There is a lot of beauty, both physical and otherwise, in those who are not the most celebrated…The same goes for boys, who don’t behave in exactly the ways we like.

My point is…Our expectations should not be limited, either to our fantasies…or to what we think is most preferential…because the reality of what we are likely to encounter, is not preferential nor the stuff fantasies are made out of.

Don’t miss the receptive ones who pass through your life, while preoccupied and chasing after fantasies…

…If the boy does not reciprocate…then it is a fantasy you are following.