Date: February 25, 2015
“If there were an oracle with the ability to tell you exactly what caused the pedophilia in you and could explain it to you in simple details, would you ask it?”
I’m at a loss, as to what I would do with this information if I had it. I don’t believe I could be scared of knowing it. I just don’t see what good it would do, to know it…Plus, if in the process I were endowed with some additional knowledge on how to uncommonly manipulate myself this way…I do have concerns, others might expect me to undergo such manipulation…whatever that may be.
“What if the truth is so horrible that you loose the will to live forever? Would you risk it anyway?”
I don’t see how this could happen. I mean…I don’t wish to re-tell the story of that first moment, where my homosexuality suddenly hit me…It’s late, and I need to go to bed…I’ve told the story many times…
I did not really even understand it, the first time I experienced it…There was no physical contact, of course…but I had a sudden rush of sexual attraction, complete with arousal, when one of my friends from school came over to play…I was about six or seven years old…It was spontaneous, and there was no sexual intent in what we were doing.
I’ve never seen any distinguishable difference between my own onset of sexual awareness, and that of any other human who just naturally discovered what they are attracted to sexually.
…And I reject the notion that anyone can impregnate a sexual orientation into you…I still more sternly reject the notion, that a traumatic sexual experience could ever make you want to repeat a perpetual cycle of trauma.
So, I am at a loss…to imagine what could possibly horrify me…
Nobody raped or touched this into me…It’s just how I am.
Because my orientation didn’t evolve where some people want it to be…some people claim it to have been “arrested in development”…Which is a kind of curious admission, that children are sexual on some level…
…But I disagree with the notion, also, that my orientation was supposed to evolve towards adults. This orientation has been around throughout recorded human history…At some point we have to relent, that this is a natural part of the human makeup.