Reposted: January 27, 2016
A Historic Note:
I don’t know the original date of publication for this essay…But it was one of my ultra rare, thread starting posts on BoyChat…It is easily older than a decade…yet I am hard pressed to even give it’s year of writing…It was years before I started blogging.
The thing which always stood out for me, and marked the posting of this essay…was the number of people who gave it a “to long, didn’t read” treatment…yet, at the same time, went into [long, in a couple cases] arguments [attacks?], based on the title of this essay.
…The message behind this essay went entirely past them, because they never cared enough to read it…And the awkwardness in all of this…is that a number of my very own BoyChat brothers, were arguing with [chastising?] me, over positions that…after all those years of my participation on BoyChat, they should have all known better than to think such things about me…or my positions…
I was effectively being confronted, over positions and views I’ve never held…because so few cared to read and understand…
In contrast…those who did read this essay, had a markedly different [and positive] reaction to it.
Having considered this piece to be one of the best I had ever written, at the time [and still thinking such, till this day]…It was extremely depressing to have given this to BoyChat [it got published nowhere else, until now]…to have it overwhelmingly rejected and devalued, like that…
I don’t know if I was more demoralized that so many just didn’t care…or that knee jerk reactions were so strong, despite that few even understood what they were reacting too…
This was the last truly meaningful, original piece of writing I posted on BoyChat…A state of things which would last, for quite a few years…It was a personal turning point for me…It made me realize, that I needed to step out of the echo chamber…I needed some other place, where I could grow and evolve…and create…
Somewhere after this departure [and distancing] from BoyChat…during my years in “the great wilderness” of life and the internet…I transitioned from being BoyChat’s Steve-D…into being Steve Diamond…
This selection from “In Self Defense: The Life and Times of An Atheist BoyLover…Memoirs and Ethos”, has been narrated by Rocco White. Please enjoy the listen, or read along if you like…or need to.
How do we coexist with “the other camp”, in this conflict?…or, the other “camps”?
There is something which does bother me quite a lot. I don’t think it’s been largely articulated by others…though, its essence comes to the surface, every here and there, in discussions.
The ones who wage this war, have always demanded that legal procedure error only on the side of extreme caution…because, as the theory goes, all must go without, in order to spare those to weak to defend themselves…and those unable to find help.
Yes, it spares no one of anything…We all know this, as words on paper, in some law library, have no power in a bedroom closed off to the world, or in a far away place, where one who lusts for another has reached the end of his/her hesitance…or, their sexual drive has overpowered them.
We know that when no one else is there to enforce a law, or protect the vulnerable, rule of the dominant will reign. Once that decision is made, the results will likely be realized, from it.
…and so…what does this mean?
Simply, that some people are sexually brutalized…for many, it is inhumane torture…a thing they wish no one else to ever have to suffer…Others are sexually manipulated, and they cant figure out why, or how to bring what happened into balance with politics, laws and morals. Some liked it when it was happening, but cant seem to live with it in the long run….the stigma is to great of a burden to bare?
It is because of these groups, that an ultra conservative movement has sprung forth…who’s goal has been that of pitting the interests, the well being and the sufferings of at least two classes of people entirely against one another…as though both groups are polar opposites, never able to coexist in peace.
If one group, the victims, are not entirely catered to by the law, some will take up issue with this, and cry “fowl”…while at the same time, if any bit of freedom or peace of mind is afforded by law to the other group, child lovers, this is characterized as being absolutely detrimental to all victims.
I hear it over and over and over…
Don’t you understand, you self centered pedophile?…These victims have suffered tremendously…Some will be scarred for life…Don’t you respect this?…Do you feel no humanity for these people?…How can you be so selfish, in the face of this?…How do you justify turning your back on this, merely to pursue your own, selfish, pedophile sex?
They do have rights…they have the right not to be molested, in my opinion…as well as the laws opinion. They have the right to do with their own sexuality, as they, themselves please…No other has the right to take the self determination away from them.
…self determination…a lost and dissolving concept….
Who can self determine?…When can they self determine?…Why can they self determine?
The government says, “no”…The psychologists say, “no”…The churches say, “no”…The celebrities say, “no”…
…”No, it is much to dangerous to gamble with”…
It’s a hard pill, and a heavy burden, for all the times I have lusted after another who is young in years, but…
…There is just no easy answer, and the truth is…the very young can not so much self determine, in the sense of understanding broader implications…They don’t know when they are five years old, what their thoughts will be on these events, when they are twenty years old.
Maybe, that uncertainty is largely the offspring, of the fact that we child lovers do not rule the world…we do not even command a substantial portion of influence. We can not paint the picture, of a culture which embraces child lovers, because we are not the master artists. It is someone else who does this…and they do not spare us child lovers of any wrath, or indignity.
I wish I had that power. I want that power…I need that power.
With it, we could emphasize the positives…We could promote sex positive messages…We could be the ones running commercials, with celebrities addressing children, telling them if…”someone is not making them feel funny enough, call our hotline (or visit our web site) for tips on better sex, sexual health and private rights”. We could be the ones publishing children’s books (“Jane likes Dick, and Dick likes Bobby”).
Perhaps, in a world where loving a child is valued, where extending that love into intimate acts of passion, exploration, and sexual growth is a respected and hailed quality…perhaps in that world, “I’m a pedophile who loves your little boy…I only have his best interests in mind…Trust me!”, will hold any weight at all.
…Today?…”You’ll have to trust me…Take my word for it…the word of a pedophile homosexual”…This wont work…Not with most peoples eight year old boys…not with most peoples twelve year old boys…and certainly not with most peoples five year old boys. A mind that open, scarcely exists.
Yet, it is what we all desperately need, right now…every single one of us, no matter who you may be.
We have needs in this sub culture of child love…so many of which have been neglected, discounted, dismissed, ridiculed by outsiders. We suffer, and have many serious issues, resulting from the lot in life, to which we have been delegated…yet, outsiders don’t see this. Perhaps, they don’t wish to see it this way?…
I broke a rule of mine the other day…it’s an unofficial rule, but, I follow it anyway, because, I try to cut the negatives in my life down to a minimum.
I’ve found, that they are at it again…the television commercials…
I’m thinking, some conservative group was heartened by this, “Bush, abstinence only” atmosphere…and since the waters were left undisturbed so long, that they actually were calming…it is time to start the fire…rile up the angered mobs…Must not let the anger and paranoia, fade to far from the mind…else it becomes lost…harder to re-establish.
…”One in four girls molested by age 18…one in six boys”…”My pedophile grandfather molested me”…”come visit our site”…another abuse survivors web site…There for the victims…there to help them cope with the aftermath…there to help prevent this sort of thing from happening to others…
…There to tow the party line, quote the same ultra conservative sources and research, and reinforce the same social bigotries…
…To be yet another beacon of light, telling all of us child lovers, what a social scourge we all are…how bad we are…how we’ve hurt all these children and young adults.
I guess, that’s not totally fair…Some of those children and young adults were attacked, raped, abused by people who don’t even know what “child lover” means.
Message is all the same, though…”all forms of sexual contact, between these people and those people, is sexual molestation…No wiggle room…no distinctions…no representations of anything outside the box in which we are all demanded to imprison our thoughts, emotions and deeds.
So…I explored…I read…
Did you know?…sexually abused children have a much higher rate of PTSD, and suicide?
…How can anyone turn their back on that, or argue in anyway, that does not fully cater to the needs of these children?
We simply can not.
We can not…we must not be callous or insensitive to their plight. We cant just look away, or disregard their suffering…as so many have looked away, and disregarded ours.
Both of our plights are interconnected….and, simple humanity makes us come to the aid of those in need…those who have been broken…those who have been stripped of their dignity…their essence?
Despite good efforts of noteworthy people…our culture of child lovers can not seem to get any officially compiled data…No professionally conducted research, to represent the full spectrum of us. As a culture, we legally don’t exist as anything more than fodder for the latest “save our children” campaign. In the papers, on the television screens, through the radio waves…by the research papers, we child lovers don’t get to have real emotions. We don’t get to be fleshed out, human characters.
…Nobody sees the devastation caused, by the way in which the issues of child love are badly mishandled.
…PTSD, and high rates of suicide…yes, tell me all about it…
Maladjustments abound on both sides of this equation…I think, because it is a self fulfilling prophecy.
Because some portion of children and young adults suffer…so it is demanded of us child lovers, that we suffer right along side of them, and take the brunt of blame for the wrong done to them.
You beat this into the minds of the public…the individual pedophile…the child lover..If they are unable to resist…they will in time break, and become what you demand of them to become.
You’re a child lover?…It’s your fault that Sally’s daddy raped her repeatedly, from age six to age sixteen…It’s your fault that Bobby’s uncle took abusive sexual liberties with him, from the age of eight to ten…It’s your fault that Sammy’s mother used him as a substitute, sexual companion during his teen years, after his father abandoned the family…
…So much guilt…So much responsibility…So much self hate…So much anger…So much hopelessness…So much despair…So much confusion…
The child love culture has it’s problems…problems which we are not allowed to address…problems which are irritated, enflamed…made infinitely worse, by the lack of an understanding culture, that will see…that will hear.
PTSD and high suicide rates are things which haunt the child love culture…just as they haunt victims of sex abuse.
…but, some pain and suffering is more equal than others…
Our pain, our suffering, our sorrow is considered to be nothing, if not little more than an arrogant, contemptuous affront to the suffering and pain of sex abuse survivors.
…which is why those of us who strive for something better, and hold a sense of pride, are reviled all the more, than those child lovers who live a broken life of shame, isolation and total surrender.
….but, I wonder if anyone will ever figure it out…
…Maybe, much of this PTSD and high suicide rates from both groups, springs from the exact same source?…cultural bigotry, which neither lets the abuse victim get past the abuse, nor allows the child lover to move past the stigma and character assassination?…
I am sick of our two neglected and abused groups being manipulated and faced off against one another. This is an absolute travesty, which has crippled both groups…and for what?…Who has gained here?
…Haven’t we each suffered far long enough?…For how long must we all keep getting dragged through this losing battle, before someone with the means wakes up and says, “This is not working”…”Enough is enough”…?
I feel so badly, that we live in a world, where reality is not what the individual makes of it…but what some moralist on high demands that it be.
I feel so badly, that so much venom, pain and blame is thrown at the feet, of those who were never deserving of it.
I feel so badly, that people who I would embrace and support, by the nature of my character, would in turn hate, ridicule, lash out at and attack me…because, I am reduced to nothing more than the embodiment of those who hurt and devastated them.
Is there any answer to this quandary?…Can we ever force the moralists on high, to stop playing political chess, with our two, grossly exploited groups?
Abuse is abuse…It does not matter the type, nor the source…Those who do not abuse, are not abusers…Human suffering, is human suffering, no matter who the target is…Are these things not the truth?
…Then why do we all suffer the indignity of a culture, where this is not reality?…
Must we child lovers lose, in order that the abuse victims gain? Must we be forever poised off against one another as enemy combatants?…each being a dark cloud, overhead the other?
…and is it worth it, to sacrifice all, in order that the victims may have peace, or as much so as possible?…
…Can nothing good ever be allowed to come out of, and exist through, the child love culture?…Is it imperative that we, our YFs, and so many other things/people associated with us, become the sacrificial lambs, to this sacred cow cause?
I look around and consider all that I know of child love, and child lovers…I can not even answer to myself…”Why have we even been pushed to this point, where we urgently have to rise up and fight back for ourselves?…for our very existence?”…What on earth was seen as so bad in all of this, that it has led us to this dire state of social peril?
I don’t know how any boy could be anything other than conflicted, at best, after having intimate relationships with me, and having to deal with a lifetime of bigotry over the stigma of it, in this kind of a cultural atmosphere…
…Another self fulfilling prophecy?….
…I think it is…
I also think it is high time that each and every one of the manipulators and power abusers involved in this social crisis be exposed and removed from power.
Sexual abuse victims are not my enemy, and I am not theirs…One day, we will expose our mutual enemies, put them aside and heal together.
We all deserve to remain unabused, and unmolested.