On ‘Ego’…

Date: July 05, 2016

01) Steve-D, on ‘ego’

Truth be told, most of the attacks I’ve faced, have been explicitly to demoralize me, and break my stride.

I can say this, because most such people have wanted to completely shut me down…and I’ve lost a few blogs [amongst other things], because of them…It’s about disruption…

However, from within our community…I think most of what I’ve encountered, is from bitter individuals…who’ve gone through so many of the same experiences as the rest of us…but, they’ve allowed themselves to devolve, into something which is a detriment to this community…

…They’ve suffered injuries, and they’ve chosen to take it out on this community…to blame this community, for everything bad that has ever happened…to never let us forget…and to punish us, for it.

I’m all for constructive criticism…including any aimed at me…But, the instance which inspired that bit of writing, was not constructive…It was just ugly, and malicious…just like most of what this person spews on BoyChat.

That person clearly looks most intent on killing BoyChat, and driving off as many good people as possible…and manipulating the dialogue here.

As to the first option…It’s dawned on me, yes…But nobody has ever said so much to me…And all of my friends should know, you can say these things directly to me…I would not take offense…[I’ve posed this exact question, on BoyChat]…It seems, few are around to approach me…or that they don’t want too, for whatever reason.

Probably my biggest regret, has been the isolating nature of being out here like this…I think, I’ve shed a lot of BC pals…even though I mentally feel, like we should be as tight as ever. There are a lot of people…I’m wondering where they are, and how they are doing…And I have no answers.

As to the second…yes, again…I think that plays a role…

…But, what is one to do…when they’ve found their place?

…I’m certain, some look at what I do, as being pathetic and useless…

…But they haven’t walked a mile in my shoes…and they don’t realize, the challenges I’ve faced, most of my life [which they probably never will]. My long term outlook, has been meager…since shortly into my adulthood…This has been because of circumstances, entirely out of my control…I’m astonished to still be alive, today…and it’s a horrible struggle, every single day.

What I have built and done…has been an option, within my grasp…

…Other people might be able to take the world, in various ways…I’ve never had that option…I’ve never had the option of “being normal”, not even in pursuit of a profession or a gainful living.

…I’ve always been the one who didn’t fit the mold…So, I took that and made an identity to celebrate…Because it’s who I am…and it’s the only thing I really can be, at my base.

I’ve spent my life doing what I can, with what I have…I’m prepared for the criticism that it wasn’t good enough…

…But I’m not prepared for accepting so much, from someone who has already surrendered…who just wants to drag us all down, with them.

If nothing else…I’ve maintained a personal sense of balance and sanity, in taking this personal control [however limited]…It’s meant the world to me, to be able to build a library of writings and recordings…

…If that isn’t enough incentive, to make what I’m doing right, or at least okay…then I just want to know what any naysayers would be saying, the day I had a mental meltdown, and started [insert your favorite social atrocity, here].

I’ve gone through some extremely dark times, over the last decade…And all I’ve had to hold onto, is my writing…and my creative activities…

…These have kept me going, and focused…I don’t know where else I’d be, without them.

…This is a value, nobody else can summarize…maybe even understand.

…Maybe some don’t think I’m a great representative…But, I’m real…reality is complicated.

I don’t want to be an icon…I just want to build a portrait, of what my life has honestly been…and I also want to maintain a helpful, hopefully uplifting resource…for human beings, who care about human beings.

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