Date: August 04, 2021
I’m not a big fan of the “Soft n Squishy” MAP representation, either. And I’ve aggressively rejected the “Pro/Anti Contact” labels, because I’ve seen how they’ve quickly become a tool for a certain type of MAP to misrepresent and kneecap other MAPs…which is an inherently destructive activity to the MAP movement, itself.
I recognize and acknowledge the wide, diverse, often times conflicting, range of positions and viewpoints among MAPs…I know that I squarely fall into one of these categories…but I refuse to make any room, for those who just want to smear, belittle and dehumanize, those who are literally just sussing out the objectively real, but inconvenient…and maybe even unconventional…It’s still a real, human existence…It still deserves a voice.
I’m just a person with certain experiences and insights to share…experiences and insights which I do not believe have been fairly considered, fairly represented, humanely treated…or receiving of their deserved respect.
I’m tired of being on the team, that constantly has more and more taken away…where they just look for what else they can strip us of…or what burdens they can impose upon us.
It’s why I’ve declared conventional social “wisdom” which has thrown us [and so many others] away like trash, to be not worth a damn…and to be bankrupt of all decency.
I don’t care for their poison…I cannot stomach it anymore, in fact.
“…most likely sometimes want things that are not good for children. And this is ok, we all do.”
I have, once or twice, made rare references to this on BoyChat, years ago…I may have saved it, or not…I might have even published something on my blog…I don’t know…
…But I went to a private religious school. If you have any familiarity with those, then you know junior and senior high classes can get smooshed together into the same spaces…and there can be much intermingling.
I’d say it was 1985…I was fourteen or so…and on the other side of the massive class room…was a first year junior high boy, who I can picture and name til this day…one of a relative few I privately crushed hard on [because you can’t openly do that in a christian school]…and I wanted to fuck him in the ass, so badly…I masturbated to this in my head, well more than once.
In reality, we weren’t close…we talked very little…I merely adored him, as he walked by…He was one of my “one in a million” beauties, who danced through a part of my life.
When I was a teen…and even into my twenties…I had a thing for masturbating, to the fantasy of having anal sex [along with foreplay, penis sucking, even just the proposition stage, etc] with certain very young boys I knew, and with various boy celebrities I liked…
…I’ve never had anal sex with anyone, in my entire life.
So, why discuss it at all?…I do detest the way some people will take what I say and distort it, after all…I don’t appreciate being ridiculed over it…It has the potential for much embarrassment…Some people will distrust me, when I make this sort of admission.
I discuss it, because it is an objectively real element of this MAP existence I’ve lived…I discuss it, to open the door to it’s personal and social complications…I discuss it, so that not only can I make sense out of it for myself, and hence make sense of my own life…but so that others can also realize the nuances…
In practice…I was never going to have anal sex with anyone…I’m more of the Tom O’Carroll style BoyLover…anal sex is gross and dirty…the boys I wanted, were young and substantially smaller than me…I don’t think they could have taken it…It would have been cruel…and from what I could gather, nothing made me believe they actually wanted that for themselves.
No shade is intended towards gays, or other enthusiastic partakers in anal sex…I’m just talking about myself…It’s simply not something I ever would have touched, outside of fictional fantasy in my own head…and I have over fifty years of living, to attest to this.
For some reason…this taste in fantasy completely left me, somewhere in my twenties…or thirties. It’s hard to explain, but anal sex does not excite me at all…not even with really cute boys.
I don’t revel in discussing any of this particular topic, because it’s a public relations minefield…but if I don’t discuss it, then I’m lying by omission…and I’m not really openly discussing everything, that makes up this type of existence…and no matter what people think about anal sex with really young boys…It is, objectively a thing that exists. The desire is something that many of us have…that many of us have to confront, work through and come to terms with.
I don’t consider it to have been something good, for a smaller boy to have experienced with me…And from what I’ve experienced…I handled the desire appropriately, in a way nobody has any valid reason to complain over.
“…And the parts of you that you recognize as unsuitable for being viewed by a child are good. Moreover, it is important that other people get this message too.”
…What a lot of people fail to get…is that I’ve been out here for decades, blabbing away about all the “dirty, gross, naughty, demonized and illegal things”…as a MAP…as a BoyLover…because I wanted to communicate to the world, what it’s actually like to live this existence…not apologize for failing to be “normal”…but to accurately talk about, the kinds of things a MAP experiences, and how they don’t always turn out the way you might expect…Hell, sometimes they might genuinely be positive…At times, it’s been extremely uncomfortable…and I’ve left myself insanely vulnerable, by taring off the scab and letting it all flow out of me.
I’m not trying to paint myself a victim…I embraced this path…It’s something I needed, and it’s something I chose for myself, even though, deep down, I’ve always known that it may one day destroy me…But I have laid my life bare, with little to no expectation of deep social change, springing from my solo efforts.
My first loyalty in my writings and recordings, has always been to honest dialogue…complete honesty…even when that means saying the things, nobody wants to hear…things people will curse me for.
I’ve always hoped it would inspire others, to step forward and speak honestly…Share the truth of their own lives with this world.
Yes…I do speak out of frustration a lot…I’m old enough to have watched for several decades, as governments, organizations, vigilantes and mobs kept their boots on our necks, and blades at our throats…as common services discriminate against us, for no valid reason…as we keep getting dehumanized to the masses, and deprived of any method to correct this course.
I am sick of watching the silencing being imposed, upon not just MAPs…but upon all human existences, child or adult, which concern taboo sexual experiences fundamentally important to their existence…I am sick of the “all or nothing”, failed approaches to individual and social needs…I am sick of listening to people endlessly demonize, patently natural activities which the primary participants never had any complaint over.
I am sick of those people who cannot live with the differences of others…chronically making their own shortcomings everybody else’s problem.
…Why is it so unspeakable and awful…to suggest that pure an natural joy, should be allowed to openly exist as pure and natural joy?
Why does nobody see, when the zealots have become the problem?
…Please…no quoting of The Modern Day Scriptures [aka studies, research, articles and publications condemning us]…I’m old enough to have lived through watching the U.S. government brazenly meddle in this exact field of research…We all know, nearly everything that has been published over the past 50 years or more, is anything but unbiased.
They don’t conduct this type of “research” to learn anything about us…They do it to build a “body of evidence”, which claims to condemn us.
Raw data will say, whatever the researcher intends for it to “say”…That’s the dirty reality of politicized “research”…and let’s not fool ourselves into thinking, that this field is anything other than deeply politicized.
There are so few you can actually trust.
…I’m mighty sick and frustrated of this state of things, also.
I am never going to be what you would recognize as “anti contact”…largely because this world is already drowning in toxic, lethal levels of “anti contact”…It is killing our very humanity.
We need the balancing presence of “pro contact”, now more than ever…You cannot tare the humanity out of the human…It is violating and breaking human beings…This cannot continue…I don’t give a damn what “the experts and authorities” say…”This” cannot continue.
This world is hell enough as it is…and something deep and fundamental is going to break, if we refuse to move back to a place of balance, love and honesty.
Honestly…I think it broke a very long time ago…and we are a species without a soul…in need of deep healing.