Date: August 28, 2021
“Often. I am eager for that conversation. And afraid of it.” Cyril Belgrad
Different, but related…
…I lived with my aunt, uncle and cousins for a year and a half after my parents divorced, having no idea my cousins were deeply involved in incest until I found myself in the middle of it all. It’s a considerable reason, why I have practical, personal insight into childhood sexuality…and a rather lenient view on incest today…
For much of my life, I’ve wanted to discuss what happened with all of them…but at the same time, how do you do that?
They probably consider this a can of worms, they don’t want to resurface.
We’re living in times where it’s not inconceivable, one could get prosecuted for things they did as a kid, 35+ years ago.
Even I tend to frame myself more and more as “a victim” in this, not because I literally consider myself one [though, it’s complicated and tricky…at a few points, I met the criteria], but because I don’t want my personal recounts legally used against me.
The potential discussion the four of us could have about that point in our history, probably means a lot more to me as a pedophile, than it will ever mean to them. I’d be asking them to drag up something they can no longer have, and probably want to leave in the past…because it’s a socially dangerous topic.
On a personal level…for me…I really want that discussion, which I’m not even sure they’re capable of having for themselves.
There are questions I wish I’d have asked back then, while it was happening…
…Today, it just seems like an impossible discussion to have…a lost opportunity.
Date: August 04, 2021
I’m not a big fan of the “Soft n Squishy” MAP representation, either. And I’ve aggressively rejected the “Pro/Anti Contact” labels, because I’ve seen how they’ve quickly become a tool for a certain type of MAP to misrepresent and kneecap other MAPs…which is an inherently destructive activity to the MAP movement, itself.
I recognize and acknowledge the wide, diverse, often times conflicting, range of positions and viewpoints among MAPs…I know that I squarely fall into one of these categories…but I refuse to make any room, for those who just want to smear, belittle and dehumanize, those who are literally just sussing out the objectively real, but inconvenient…and maybe even unconventional…It’s still a real, human existence…It still deserves a voice.
I’m just a person with certain experiences and insights to share…experiences and insights which I do not believe have been fairly considered, fairly represented, humanely treated…or receiving of their deserved respect.
I’m tired of being on the team, that constantly has more and more taken away…where they just look for what else they can strip us of…or what burdens they can impose upon us.
It’s why I’ve declared conventional social “wisdom” which has thrown us [and so many others] away like trash, to be not worth a damn…and to be bankrupt of all decency.
I don’t care for their poison…I cannot stomach it anymore, in fact.
“…most likely sometimes want things that are not good for children. And this is ok, we all do.”
I have, once or twice, made rare references to this on BoyChat, years ago…I may have saved it, or not…I might have even published something on my blog…I don’t know…
…But I went to a private religious school. If you have any familiarity with those, then you know junior and senior high classes can get smooshed together into the same spaces…and there can be much intermingling.
I’d say it was 1985…I was fourteen or so…and on the other side of the massive class room…was a first year junior high boy, who I can picture and name til this day…one of a relative few I privately crushed hard on [because you can’t openly do that in a christian school]…and I wanted to fuck him in the ass, so badly…I masturbated to this in my head, well more than once.
In reality, we weren’t close…we talked very little…I merely adored him, as he walked by…He was one of my “one in a million” beauties, who danced through a part of my life.
When I was a teen…and even into my twenties…I had a thing for masturbating, to the fantasy of having anal sex [along with foreplay, penis sucking, even just the proposition stage, etc] with certain very young boys I knew, and with various boy celebrities I liked…
…I’ve never had anal sex with anyone, in my entire life.
So, why discuss it at all?…I do detest the way some people will take what I say and distort it, after all…I don’t appreciate being ridiculed over it…It has the potential for much embarrassment…Some people will distrust me, when I make this sort of admission.
I discuss it, because it is an objectively real element of this MAP existence I’ve lived…I discuss it, to open the door to it’s personal and social complications…I discuss it, so that not only can I make sense out of it for myself, and hence make sense of my own life…but so that others can also realize the nuances…
In practice…I was never going to have anal sex with anyone…I’m more of the Tom O’Carroll style BoyLover…anal sex is gross and dirty…the boys I wanted, were young and substantially smaller than me…I don’t think they could have taken it…It would have been cruel…and from what I could gather, nothing made me believe they actually wanted that for themselves.
No shade is intended towards gays, or other enthusiastic partakers in anal sex…I’m just talking about myself…It’s simply not something I ever would have touched, outside of fictional fantasy in my own head…and I have over fifty years of living, to attest to this.
For some reason…this taste in fantasy completely left me, somewhere in my twenties…or thirties. It’s hard to explain, but anal sex does not excite me at all…not even with really cute boys.
I don’t revel in discussing any of this particular topic, because it’s a public relations minefield…but if I don’t discuss it, then I’m lying by omission…and I’m not really openly discussing everything, that makes up this type of existence…and no matter what people think about anal sex with really young boys…It is, objectively a thing that exists. The desire is something that many of us have…that many of us have to confront, work through and come to terms with.
I don’t consider it to have been something good, for a smaller boy to have experienced with me…And from what I’ve experienced…I handled the desire appropriately, in a way nobody has any valid reason to complain over.
“…And the parts of you that you recognize as unsuitable for being viewed by a child are good. Moreover, it is important that other people get this message too.”
…What a lot of people fail to get…is that I’ve been out here for decades, blabbing away about all the “dirty, gross, naughty, demonized and illegal things”…as a MAP…as a BoyLover…because I wanted to communicate to the world, what it’s actually like to live this existence…not apologize for failing to be “normal”…but to accurately talk about, the kinds of things a MAP experiences, and how they don’t always turn out the way you might expect…Hell, sometimes they might genuinely be positive…At times, it’s been extremely uncomfortable…and I’ve left myself insanely vulnerable, by taring off the scab and letting it all flow out of me.
I’m not trying to paint myself a victim…I embraced this path…It’s something I needed, and it’s something I chose for myself, even though, deep down, I’ve always known that it may one day destroy me…But I have laid my life bare, with little to no expectation of deep social change, springing from my solo efforts.
My first loyalty in my writings and recordings, has always been to honest dialogue…complete honesty…even when that means saying the things, nobody wants to hear…things people will curse me for.
I’ve always hoped it would inspire others, to step forward and speak honestly…Share the truth of their own lives with this world.
Yes…I do speak out of frustration a lot…I’m old enough to have watched for several decades, as governments, organizations, vigilantes and mobs kept their boots on our necks, and blades at our throats…as common services discriminate against us, for no valid reason…as we keep getting dehumanized to the masses, and deprived of any method to correct this course.
I am sick of watching the silencing being imposed, upon not just MAPs…but upon all human existences, child or adult, which concern taboo sexual experiences fundamentally important to their existence…I am sick of the “all or nothing”, failed approaches to individual and social needs…I am sick of listening to people endlessly demonize, patently natural activities which the primary participants never had any complaint over.
I am sick of those people who cannot live with the differences of others…chronically making their own shortcomings everybody else’s problem.
…Why is it so unspeakable and awful…to suggest that pure an natural joy, should be allowed to openly exist as pure and natural joy?
Why does nobody see, when the zealots have become the problem?
…Please…no quoting of The Modern Day Scriptures [aka studies, research, articles and publications condemning us]…I’m old enough to have lived through watching the U.S. government brazenly meddle in this exact field of research…We all know, nearly everything that has been published over the past 50 years or more, is anything but unbiased.
They don’t conduct this type of “research” to learn anything about us…They do it to build a “body of evidence”, which claims to condemn us.
Raw data will say, whatever the researcher intends for it to “say”…That’s the dirty reality of politicized “research”…and let’s not fool ourselves into thinking, that this field is anything other than deeply politicized.
There are so few you can actually trust.
…I’m mighty sick and frustrated of this state of things, also.
I am never going to be what you would recognize as “anti contact”…largely because this world is already drowning in toxic, lethal levels of “anti contact”…It is killing our very humanity.
We need the balancing presence of “pro contact”, now more than ever…You cannot tare the humanity out of the human…It is violating and breaking human beings…This cannot continue…I don’t give a damn what “the experts and authorities” say…”This” cannot continue.
This world is hell enough as it is…and something deep and fundamental is going to break, if we refuse to move back to a place of balance, love and honesty.
Honestly…I think it broke a very long time ago…and we are a species without a soul…in need of deep healing.
Date: August 04, 2021
“Minors are physiologically not prepared to reproduce. Attraction to minors does not give one evolutionary advantage, therefore it’s a mental illness.”
Let’s go one step further, women older than 40 have high chance of birth defect and complication, men are less physically capable to assist in nurturing the young, that put them in evolutionary disadvantage. Attraction to elderly or people older than 40 is therefore attraction to older female is mental illness. Milf are mentally ill. How about that?
Since minors cannot reproduce, feeling horny don’t give them evolutionary advantage, so all you horny little fucks are mental ill. How about that?” – Hebemeow
MAP orientation absolutely has evolutionary advantages…and major, serious ones, at that…The problem is, so many people are refusing to acknowledge them.
On it’s own, it promotes the fertility of our species, by initiating the young into sexual activity…as opposed to the current model, of pushing people to stay celibate until well into adulthood, and pushing back having children until late into a females biological fertility.
Yes…I’m speaking of human fertility, in the same way I’d speak of the same in rats and rabbits…but we are all biological life forms…and it’s in our DNA to continually carry our DNA forward as a species.
More sexual activity, ultimately means more reproduction…and any activity which functions in the service of this [including setting the stage for a life full of sex], is an evolutionary advantage for a species.
Secondly…and this gets more into the practical existence of homosexual pedophiles [like me], hebephiles and ephebophiles…Very young girls can become pregnant, though it can be very dangerous [sometimes impossible], for them to actually carry the pregnancy and endure the birth…yet, children, tweens and teens are known to have their own sex drive…tweens and teens in particular, are generally going through the most intense years they will ever experience with their sex drive.
This is because…in natural biology, these are the years when our DNA makes us most prepared to be sexually active, make and raise babies.
Keep in mind…historically, it’s been far more typical for humans to die in their 30’s and 40’s…They needed to reproduce early, otherwise our species would die out.
I’ve been putting forward for years, that [for example] homosexual BoyLovers like myself have evolved into existence, as natures humane way of sparing young girls from dying in child birth, and sparing young males from having to live with celibacy and the natural frustration and aggression that causes.
Bare in mind…I’ve never suggested that how we evolved is perfect…but it is what nature has done with us, and it undeniably does serve the ultimate goal of preserving, growing and evolving our species.
…And none of us deserves to be demonized, dismissed or devalued over it.
If you see it for what it is…it’s honestly quite beautiful.
I think…the conscious-less system of nature did it’s best, given it’s capabilities.
It should also be pointed out, that human families tended to live together and raise the children together…
Yes…mid/older teens and early twenty-somethings were expected to have their offspring underway…but their own parents and elders were there as a support structure [often living in the same house]…Historically, grandparents, aunts, uncles, cousins, whomever, have played a vital role in the raising of [caring for] their own biological lineage.
In that type of community structure…it didn’t matter that the youth still had some growth and refinement ahead of them […and “dirty” secret…a lot of the older adults still did, as well…Were they all supposed to just curl up and die?…]…
When humans are just allowed to be and exist, without endless interference from all the “experts who know better”…fact is…we do tend to organize and function in a communal way that works, and keeps us all alive.
It would be absolutely no different, if MAPs were allowed to openly integrate into society.
One of our biggest problems as a species…is that so many people have taken the fantasy of “the perfectly lived life” [“the perfect childhood”, etc.]…and turned that impossible standard into a demand upon everyone…complete with shattered egos and wounded psyches, when they have to live with the realities of a simply good enough life for reasonably healthy survival.
There is no “perfect existence”…and we are in the throws of a mass social tantrum, from people who believe they’re owed “the perfect life” on a silver platter…
…And, of course…there are all sort of people for them to blame.
In addition…there’s two other things that should be taken into account…
One…humans evolved terribly for reproduction…You go back a few hundred years in history, and something like one in four females were dying in child birth…which is terrible for the survival of their newborn, and any other children dependent on them.
Two…the majority of children literally died before reaching the age of ten years…This is why they “cranked out” so many children, and started as young as feasibly safe…
We of today, can scantly even comprehend the circumstances, in which the mammoth portion of our own species evolution took place…Yet, we still carry the product of that evolution in us.
Given how humans used to have to live…it raises questions, as to what nature made humans do, to overcome all the hardships and death…to ultimately produce a few thriving offspring for every family.
I think this has a lot to do, with why humans are so sexually active, year around, and with such a wide range of attractions existing..but children and youth in particular.
They held the key to the future.
Date: July 10, 2021
“…but I bet if they got herpes or HIV…”
It should be pointed out, that a STD/STI needs to exist in at least one participant, in order for it to have any chance of spreading…
…and medical screenings are an actual thing.
I’m of the opinion, that they should be both freely available as part of public health services, and mandatory as a precursor in pedophilic and ephebophilic relationships in particular…possibly all sexual relationships.
It often gets me, how people think they’re “so smart”, throwing STD/STIs into our faces…when in reality, if society were humane and at least modestly intelligent about these issues…we could literally neutralize the spreading of STD/STIs.
There might be some rare exception where they just cannot bring someone’s STD/STI under control…But we are living in an era where even HIV positive people can have their infection levels brought down so low, that they are incapable of spreading the virus.
Also, just to be thorough…”sexually active” doesn’t always mean “exchange of bodily fluids”.
Date: July 01, 2021
[Note: “Pro Contact” is a notion put forward by a group of MAPs, who wanted to distinguish opposing viewpoints on sexual permissibility, within the larger MAP community. Some of us reject the term, as we see it as manipulative and without nuance…also divisive. At the same time, it is true that positive and level headed viewpoints exist among MAPs, regarding taboo sexual behavior…So, the issue being discussed is important.]
“pro-cs are based, antis will never be happy, even if one is anti-c. I think Miami is pro-c and that’s beautiful, they grew and learnt.” – Demon
One of the things that’s never made any sense to me in all of this, is the embracing of dogma.
In addition, I’ve never seen it as even remotely sane, to attempt censoring voices from other MAPs, who have a life of practical experience, sincere study, and well rounded empathy for all impacted by these issues, and how society is going off the rails over them.
If you push one party line and marginalize all else, what you end up with is distortion…because there is normally still some truth in what “the unpopular” MAPs have to express…Maybe, there is a lot of truth in it…
…Maybe, there is more truth in their words, than in those of those pushing dogma.
Regardless of where you plant your own flag…it says everything one needs to know about your stand, when you believe that dissenting viewpoints must be censored or outright dismissed.
If one’s arguments and viewpoints cannot weather any dissent…they’re not much in the way of arguments and viewpoints.
It’s never bothered me that people disagree with my arguments, views and experiences…
…What’s bothered me, is that people have the gall to act like my experiences and observations as a human being are contemptible, hold no meaning and are “lies”…
…On top of this, they re-frame what I’ve spent my life doing, and in extremely bad faith, they claim that I have some sinister, “evil” agenda…to do things which I literally am incapable of doing…and things which I’ve been literally fighting to help reduce.
I don’t get people who think “the conversation must never happen”, when it is what we most need at this specific moment in time.
We need to be fully honest, about the nature of human sexuality. We need to clearly understand where problems exist…and we need to understand clearly, where aggressive special interests have distorted and manipulated, causing harm and devastation in their wake.
All of those things exist…Not a single one of them, should be allowed to continue harming and devastating, on the grounds that they have the momentum of social dogma, and “feel good” notions on their side.
Date: June 28, 2021
People put entirely too much faith and relevance into therapy.
Much of what is provided and getting paid for, in reality, exists in any healthy relationship and social support structure.
My thought, is that so many people are flocking to therapy and raving about it these days, because nearly all of us have been pushed into social isolation, and conditioned to think that paying a professional for an ear, for opinions and advice “is normal”.
…There is nothing about that which is normal.
It’s the byproduct of a failed society.
I’m not suggesting nobody benefits from it…If you are starving for that type of guidance, getting it nowhere else…you likely will benefit in some ways…
…I’m suggesting that “therapy” is naturally free and available, when we are allowed to grow up and live intertwined with a wide enough range of people and experiences.
If you are not kept isolated…you find natural “therapists” among your family and community.
Date: May 30, 2021
“This video answers the question: Can I analyze the life, death, and personality of James Dean? “
Apparently, James Dean as a teen had a homosexual relationship with a church leader…
…and Dr. Grande promptly dismisses this relationship between two apparent homosexuals [or bisexuals], as “…this harm…”.
Need I remind Dr. Grande [along with any other onlooking bigots], that you were not there…You did not personally witness the quality and outcome of the relationship…You have no business making this sort of stigmatizing characterization of it.
I get so fed up with people who don’t live these kinds of existence themselves, making these thoughtless condemnations…while dismissing and talking over the people who were actually in the relationships, doing all those allegedly “yucky” things the bigots don’t approve of.
It’s been long determined, that a very large portion of these relationships are considered to be positive, by the alleged “victim”…Further, it’s also been known that roughly the same sized fraction of “victims” consider it to have been neutral…It’s the well pronounced minority, who say it was traumatic or negative in some way…Yet the last group is the one chosen, to represent the entirety of socially designated “sex abuse victims”.
…and the establishment is hell bent on halting any studies, of the many whys in all of this.
Meanwhile, the arrogant and disrespectful population can say whatever hateful things they please, while whatever objective facts may exist are swept out of sight, nowhere to be seen…
…In the absence of anything solid or empirical, it’s a free for all to say whatever you want…to follow the masses mindlessly…because “everybody knows”…and “it’s all settled science”…and “there is nothing left that we don’t know, or that we could possibly learn…or that we should change”…
You sorts have no right…You have no fucking right at all…talking negatively about those of us who literally find it in our natures to live this way…who have harmlessly found others of the same nature to be [and scrounged a bit of mutual happiness in life] with, who have lived this life and existence, enduring a nasty, hostile, hate filled world…all because we want to show/share love, with someone who wants to be loved.
You don’t even have to deal with this bullshit, of a world full of abusive people who don’t even recognize your natural expression of mutual love to be legitimate…You don’t even have to think of the consequences, or how they destroy people…and for literally no good reason at all.
What’s amazing in all of this…is that you go on to talk about how well James did in school and life, during and after this relationship…yet you don’t pause to contemplate how this disputes James being damaged by the relationship…nor to consider that maybe it played a crucial role in the betterment of his life.
Fuck this dehumanizing contempt…Use your mind and Think!
Broken Record Mode:
For those unaware…
…The reason why such a shocking large portion of “sex abuse victims” have a positive or neutral stance towards their experience, is a direct result of the state defining “sexual assault/abuse” so broadly, that it ensnares masses of cases where those involved actually enjoyed doing it…Their only “crime” was running foul of the people in government, who don’t approve of their private life experiences and choices…but there was no objective harm resulting…On the contrary, there may have been very fond memories…because the “victim” wanted and chose it for themselves.
I cannot bring myself to respect any system so warped and twisted, that it ruthlessly punishes the shared natural humanity of others.
This is made so much worse, in that it inflicts itself based on so many false pretexts.
It is a system which refuses to function in reality…while forcing countless others to suffer for it.
It is crystal clear in my mind, just why so many people hate the government [and often society, also]…when their own existence has been entirely raped by this power structure, that wont even treat them like human beings.
Date: May 18, 2021
“Justin Berry…disappeared in Mexico on August 23, 2018, at the age of 32, and is presumed to have been murdered. – Enochian”
“Berry disappeared on August 23, 2018 while living in Mexico. He was declared dead in absentia by the court of Kern County nearly a year after his disappearance.”
“Justin Berry (July 24, 1986 – August 23, 2018?) raised in Bakersfield, California who during his teen years designed and maintained multiple websites in which he stripped, showered, and performed sex acts on webcam in return for money and gifts. The term coined for these types of underaged shows is bibcams, which stands for “boy in bedroom cams”. He treated his websites as a professional business for profit and encouraged other boys both older and younger to participate as well. When he turned 18, journalist Kurt Eichenwald of the New York Times stumbled upon his image on the net and began a covert operation to uncover Justin’s business. Once Justin agreed to the story, he revealed all of his activities and agreed to turn over all information on the other individuals involved in return for immunity. He became a federal witness. Justin Berry disappeared in Ensenada, Mexico in August, 2018, at the age of 32.”
Hadn’t been paying any attention, but he was playing both sides of a dangerous game for a long time there.
It’s a foregone conclusion, that somebody would want him dead after what he did.
It’s a shame on so many levels.
Nothing which originally transpired should have been a legal issue in the first place.
If he was murdered, his blood is on the hands of U.S. politicians, law enforcement and his various manipulators [Oprah, Eichenwald], every bit as much as it is on the hands of anyone who may have whacked him.
I wonder if any of them even care.
Yes…I know many people have nothing good to say about him, even among those who supported his betrayal of his own customers…
By various accounts, he was a horrible person.
…but who knows how he might have turned out, had he been freely able to conduct his business legally.
After a day or two…a memory returned to me…that of hearing of his disappearance…and the bad presumptions surrounding it.
It’s been roughly three years ago…It was a brief blurb in the media…which did not stick around…I had plenty of other things to occupy my attention…and I forgot about this…
…But I did learn about it, when it happened.
Date: May 17, 2021
…If we fail to collectively confront and fix the root social issues [massive negative misunderstanding and bigotry towards human sexuality], it does not matter if TBLs and teens get legal freedom…because in a world still phobic about sex, it can be taken away from them again.
The real question here, is whether we are collectively focused on universal human equality and the unapologetic ending of all possibility of established power to demonize and devastate human beings…or if it’s top priority to “get what’s good for me” and leave everyone else to suffer “their fate”.
Maybe it’s because I am a literal pedophile, and I’ve never thought that liberation of people like me was seriously within reach, given this era and our circumstances…but I’ve embraced the former stance, to just fight the abuses of power and the bigotry across the board, regardless of the variables.
I empathize with anyone dying to live life naturally and to the fullest…I empathize with those who know they’ve been held back, and done dirty by society…I empathize with those who want more, and who realize things literally could be so much different from how they are…I understand the lure, for those who believe they are “just a nudge away” from what they want for their own life.
In the bigger picture…the monster we have to slay, is the social dishonesty and ruthless aggression towards human sexuality.
That will benefit all of us…nepiophiles, pedophiles, hebephiles, ephebophiles, teliophiles and gerontophiles.
Part of the process in this slaying, is letting go of our own preconceptions about people in groups different from our own…and not dismissing the very real needs and suffering of those other groups, or treating it as if it were in no way connected to us.
Date: April 28, 2021
There are four basic things you need to know, when navigating a parking lot…
1) Always Drive Slow
2) Always Be Prepared To Stop
3) There Is No “Right Of Way”, Only Critical Parking Lot Courtesy
4) The Only Thing Resembling “Right Of Way”, Is Understanding That If Someone Is Already Moving Into, Or Occupying a Space, And Your Path Goes Through That Space, You Either Choose Another Path or Come To a Stop, Allowing Them to Complete Their Movement and Be On Their Way, After Which You Continue On Your Path
I had the displeasure of encountering a young female today, who does not follow parking lot etiquette…She damn near caused a fender bender with me, cutting me off while I was backing out of my parking space…Honked her horn, causing a scene…and gave me a stink eye while doing all of this…
…I guess the five seconds of her life it would have taken, to refrain from cutting me off, was just too much for her to handle…
…fucking insane idiot…
What really gets me…is that I literally did everything right…I carefully looked in both directions…nobody was coming from either direction…I was mindfully backing out, watching where I was heading in the back window [mostly because school kids are prone to cross the parking lot, right where I was backing into]…I presume she simply whipped in from main street, because she was “right there, right now”, out of nowhere, deciding that she “just had to drive straight through, without stopping”, not a care for the fact that I was presently in this space…
…The same consideration cannot be said for her, as there was literally nothing obstructing her view of me as she approached…She either decided that she was just going to barge through, or she wasn’t paying any attention…because there were no vehicles around me…I was completely out in the open…and it was she who was approaching, while I was clearly backing out of my space.
I hate driving…I don’t even like owning a vehicle, and all the costs and pain in the ass of it all…I’m forced to, because it’s a necessity where I live just to survive….
…And I hate driving mostly because of inconsiderate assholes like that.
That she had the gall to glare at me, while doing it…
…Some people should never be allowed to drive…and that girl is one of them.
You know…had the shoe been on the other foot, and I was pulling into the parking lot…absolutely none of this would have even happened…There is no question at all, that I would have come to a stop and graciously allowed her to back out and pull away…No nastiness would have ever come out of me, over this…It’s a fucking parking lot, after all…These types of common sense navigation are absolutely typical here…
…It says everything about the difference between me and her, that I would stop and allow things to peacefully flow without being an asshole about it…but she clearly would not.
I hate aggressive drivers…There is just no reason for them to be doing this shit.