Category Archives: In Self Defense: The Life & Times of an Atheist BoyLover

The personal “book” of my life…

Condemning “Pedophilia”: Isn’t The Evidence Overwhelming, and What Happens When It is Not?…


May 20, 2020

If you’d have told me twenty years ago that research on “pedophilia” was intentionally skewed heavily to the negative…that a lot of concealment was happening…and that some forms of pedophilic sexual expression could be morally defended…I’d have thought you were insane…

I fully believed and accepted that “the facts were in, and established”…that averages in the broad scheme of things soundly condemned pedophilic sexual activity…and that only rare instances left people unscathed for life.

It wasn’t until I was forced to watch uproars unfolding regarding “The Rind Report”, that I had to confront and discover just how deep and corrupt the distortion gets…and it was a complete head trip for me, as a pedophile…discovering that they actually practiced, and felt a need to practice, concealment and censorship within the research, itself…

…Was sex between children and adults [or teens] not bad enough, on it’s own?…Did they need to actively darken the picture in people’s minds, to make it sufficiently intolerable?…and why?

As a pedophile…you spend all your life believing these things about yourself…eventually discovering, that you’ve spent your life being lied to…and not in small, inconsequential ways…but in ways which debase your entire perception of the world around you…of the people around you…

…And it’s all right there, unfolding in front of you…You cannot deny it…It is happening…

…How can I ever have any faith, in any system or individual who does this?

This behavior is completely without redemption.

This level and degree of social and political manipulation, should never be acceptable to anyone.

Censoring Sex Research: The Debate over Male Intergenerational Relations

I know that spending money is a lot to ask…especially $40 or more…

…but, please…if you are going to tread off into the “pedophile research” conflict…at least know and understand the environment and base issues we are dealing with, before you go picking up any stance and defending it.

That the establishment has been using the exact same practices they used against gays and lesbians, in order to unjustly smear, tarnish and imprison them, to continue doing the same to MAPs…is an absolute fact.

We are not being treated this way because we are bad, or wrong…

…We are being treated this way, because they do not consider us to be human beings…and given history, they “know” they can get away with this…

…It’s time to make a radical social change…and make them understand clearly…

…They can no longer get away with this.


What Does It Do To a Person?…


Date: May 16, 2020

What does it do to a person who so clearly had sexual frustration issues as a child and youth…to eventually come to the discovery that avenues for addressing their sex drive have always existed for them, biologically inborn within our species…but those avenues were blocked by social and legal prohibition?


What I tell people is this…


Date: January 15, 2020

…Treat people well…

…Love people in the way they need to be loved…

…Don’t generalize your personal life experiences, to everybody else…

…And let the willing, share their happiness with each other.

Don’t kill what little joy exists.

You don’t have to understand those people who are “weird”, or “perverted”, or who have a need you don’t identify with.

You just need to be able to see, when two or more people are sharing a life enhancing benefit, from the ways they are socially different.


What ISD Is – What ISD Is Not…


January 10, 2020

What ISD Is:

In Self Defense, is a distinct project unto itself. It is not Our Love Frontier, and Our Love Frontier is not In Self Defense.

It is the public diary of a homosexual pedophile, who is attracted to boys roughly aged seven through twelve…That homosexual pedophile is myself.

What is offered here, is a vast amount of my writings, recordings and media, which I’ve produced and published over the last 20 years…and the last 15 years, in general.

Much of it has some direct connection to my life and existence as a homosexual pedophile…Much of it does not, and is more of a general expression on world and social issues.

I am offering my insights…and a factual, long term recording of the thoughts and mind, of someone who actually lives this existence.

I am alive today, right now…and I am seizing my chance to make a difference in this world, by engaging with it…and infusing one homosexual pedophiles voice into the public dialogue.

What ISD Is Not:

In Self Defense is not here to convince you of anything.

I do not hold your hand, here…I do not spoon feed you anything…I do not expect you to praise me for it…I do not expect you to read it all…I do not expect you to come away from reading it, with any specific change to your worldview…

I don’t expect you to end up thinking, just exactly as I think.

I do not pour over research…nor do I analyze studies…There are others who are much more competent at this, than myself…and you should visit the EQF Community Links, if you are sincerely searching for that sort of thing.

I make no claims to speak for any other Minor Attracted Person.


What is here, is human expression which hopefully makes clear my morals, ethics, rational and conclusions…and stands as testimony that we MAPs do have good, sound morals, ethics, rational and conclusions…and that we live decent, honest lives, worthy of respect.

People will make of it what they will. I expect that the majority of people will reject it, outright…and this body of work does not exist for those people.

It exists for those who are genuinely searching…not just for a meaning in this sort of existence…but searching for viable ways we can live together in peace, and combat true sexual brutality.

Ultimately…though I have written enormous amounts just to “get things out”, and at times deal with my own frustrations with the world around me…I’ve published it, and kept writing, to offer thoughtful dialogue starters, which anyone can use to begin discussing issues related to MAPs…or just the broader world we live in and share.


A Bit of Perspective: Research, Politics and Culture…


Date: December 22, 2019

Nearly everything our culture claims to “know” about MAPs, came from studies and research, produced by organizations, in a time era and culture which considered all sexual minorities to be contemptible human trash.

While those who identify as gays and lesbians have managed to move beyond these imposed distortions, and force an accurate representation of themselves…MAPs [as well as children and youth] have absolutely never been given the dignity of such accuracy.

We as MAPs have been, and remain til this day, judged according to the claimed results of decades worth of old, grossly biased research.

Sexual minorities of all stripes, have historically been treated in the worst possible ways, by the overwhelming majority of “experts” and “authorities”.

I would like for every MAP to contemplate this until they understand the gravity of it’s consequences…most especially prior to repeating and propagating the rhetoric produced by these “experts”, “authorities”, organizations and cultures.

If you, as a MAP, do not consider yourself to be human trash…then it behooves you to demand far better than what we are being subjected to.


I am Part of the Open and Honest MAP Community…


Date: December 01, 2019

My first loyalty is to the honest pursuit of truth.

I am not bothered over who becomes offended, because of this honest pursuit of truth.

I reject dogma, and hold no loyalty to groups which propagate dogma.

This also means that I know, and accept, that an awful lot of things in this world are not going to be liked, by an awful lot of people…

…and yet…this stops nothing which is true, from being true.

Nobody is obliged to apologize, for discussing what is true.


The Critical Importance of the “Pro Contact” MAP Community…


Date: November 29, 2019

We possess the integrity and honesty, to acknowledge and discuss those socially uncomfortable topics which the “anti contact” MAP community does not.

We are not so afraid of the world and what people will think about us, that we refuse to see and confront the world around us as it exists.

Despite whatever social pariahs this makes us…we are honest.

We will bring forward and work through the social issues, which “anti contact” MAPs are unwilling to…lack the knowledge, courage or integrity to.

“Pro Contact” MAPs are, hands down, what these issues most need.

We wont lie…We wont spread misinformation…We wont internalize the rhetoric of the enemy.

I don’t like the “pro contact MAP” label…It is squarely an invention, of those who call themselves “anti contact MAPs”…and it has been forcefully imposed upon us, by them. It is an idiotic, classicist wedge, which implies things about “the other”, by putting words into their mouths…It has only served the end result, of making many enemies within the MAP community.

However…since we have this large faction which insists on carrying out these hostilities within the MAP community…let me just be clear…that the “anti contact” faction has a grotesque integrity deficit [some of them are straight up dangerous, ignorant, self righteous, hypocritical a-holes, indistinguishable from antis and other internet bullies], and that anyone would suggest that they “should drown out the pro contact voice”, is just despicable.

Sorry Fae…I really, honestly want to like you on a personal level…but you are way in the wrong, with this sentiment…

I think you are a genuinely decent person…

…but don’t even dream, that you can stop natural truth from making it’s way to the surface.

That folly, is the path of those who inevitably find themselves on the wrong side of history.

…Many MAPs are going to be on that wrong side…That much is regretfully clear.


An Incomplete List of Books in My Library, in No Particular Order…


Date: October 13, 2019

Most of these are physical books…a number of them are digital.

To my shame, I have not read all of these…but I intend to.

I left out most of the novels, like Stephen Kings Dark Tower series, or The Neverending Story, and the plethora of classic books I’ve downloaded…

I’ve also failed to include the masses of research papers, articles, books and whatnot, that I’ve downloaded and archived on my PC over the years…that would expand the list, greatly.

What is here, are books which I have at one time or another purchased…most of which I still own a copy of.

These lean very heavy into the realm of child sexuality, pedophilia and related social issues.

I cannot vouch for each book here…but I have found a lot of valuable reading and knowledge, within this collection.

Sadly, I am unsure where I placed every single one of these at, but trust I will eventually happen upon them in the future.

A Book Reading List:

Show Me!: A Picture Book of Sex for Children and Parents
– Helga Fleischhauer-Hardt (Author), Will McBride (Photographer) 1975

I don’t currently own a copy of “Show Me!”, but I once did. It was phenominal, for what it was. Though it’s still freely available for sale on Amazon, it should be noted that some jurisdictions in the U.S. [and around the globe] have passed laws which criminalize the purchase and ownership of this book.

We were NOT abused!
David L. Riegel (Author) 2007

Male Intergenerational Intimacy: Historical, Socio-Psychological, and Legal Perspectives
Sandfort, Theo, Naerssen, Alex X. Van

Loving Boys by Brongersma, Edward Volume 1 & 2
Edward Brongersma (Author)

A Handbook for the Study of Mental Health: Social Contexts, Theories, and Systems
Allan V. Horwitz

Creating Mental Illness
Allan V. Horwitz

The Demon-Haunted World: Science as a Candle in the Dark
Carl Sagan

House of Cards
Robyn Dawes

Scott Campbell

Why People Believe Weird Things: Pseudoscience, Superstition, and Other Confusions of Our Time
Michael Shermer (Author), Steven Jay Gould (Foreword)

Child Sexual Abuse by Finkelhor, David
David Finkelhor (Author)

Beyond Hysteria: Boy Erotica on the Internet
David L. Riegel (Author)

Could They All Have Been Wrong?
David L. Riegel (Author)

This Too Is Love
J. H. (Author)

The Moralist
Rod Downey

Greek Love Reconsidered
Thomas K. Hubbard

The Activist’s Handbook: A Primer Updated Edition with a New Preface
Randy Shaw

Reveille for Radicals
Saul Alinsky

Rules for Radicals
Saul Alinsky

Made in the USA: Memoir of a Sex Offender
Walter Jenkins

The Early Homosexual Rights Movement: (1864-1935)
John Lauritsen, David Thorstad

Sex, Sin, and Blasphemy: A Guide to America’s Censorship Wars
Marjorie Heins

Crime Without Victims: Documents on Paedophilia, Vol. 1
Preben Hertoft, et al

When Jonathan Died
Tony Duvert, D. R. Roberts

The History of Sexuality, Vol. 1: An Introduction

The Trauma Myth: The Truth About the Sexual Abuse of Children–and Its Aftermath
Susan A. Clancy

A Son Called Gabriel
Damian McNicholl

Boarding School
Clint Adams

The Culvert
Clint Adams

These Were My Realities
Jay Edson

A Natural Lizard Activity
B.J. Freedman, Mario de Graaf

The Boys and the Bees
Joe Babcock

American Furies: Crime, Punishment, and Vengeance in the Age of Mass Imprisonment
Sasha Abramsky

Justice Perverted: Sex Offense Law, Psychology, and Public Policy
Charles Patrick Ewing

The Sexuality of Christ in Renaissance Art and in Modern Oblivion
Leo Steinberg

Gay Man’s Worst Friend – the Story of Destroyer Magazine
Karl Andersson

Childhood Sexuality: Normal Sexual Behavior and Development
Sandfort, Theo

On Writing: 10th Anniversary Edition: A Memoir of the Craft
King, Stephen

The Trouble With Harry Hay
Timmons, Stuart

Children’s Sexual Encounters with Adults
Li, C. K.

Story: Substance, Structure, Style and the Principles of Screenwriting
McKee, Robert

Child Pornography and Pedophilia
US Senate Committee on Governmental Affairs

Children and Sex: New Findings, New Perspectives
Larry L. Constantine

The Rape of the Mind: The Psychology of Thought Control, Menticide, and Brainwashing
MD Joost A. M. Meerloo

The Decency Wars: The Campaign to Cleanse American Culture
Frederick S Lane

Brainwashing: The Science of Thought Control
Kathleen Taylor

The Persian Boy
Mary Renault

Child-Loving: The Erotic Child and Victorian Culture
James Kincaid

The Science of Influence: How to Get Anyone to Say “Yes” in 8 Minutes or Less!
Kevin Hogan

The Psychology of Persuasion: How To Persuade Others To Your Way Of Thinking
Kevin Hogan

Censoring Sex Research: The Debate over Male Intergenerational Relations
Thomas K Hubbard, Beert Verstraete

The Science of Fear: How the Culture of Fear Manipulates Your Brain
Gardner, Daniel

Pedophilia and Adult-Child Sex: A Philosophical Analysis
Kershnar, Stephen

Social Engineering: The Art of Human Hacking
Hadnagy, Christopher

Caged Bird
Katy Morgan-Davies

Alexander’s Choice
Edmund Marlowe

Those Williams Boys
Arby Moon

Jason’s Truth
David Krongelb, Joyce E Magee

The INFP Book: The Perks, Challenges, and Self-Discovery of an INFP
Catherine Chea

Galileo’s Middle Finger: Heretics, Activists, and One Scholar’s Search for Justice
Alice Dreger

The Secret Life Of Billy Chase
By: Comicality [The Eight Book Series]

Silent Victim: Growing up in a Child Porn Ring
Timmy Fielding

Angus Stewart

Untold Stories: How I Survived a Child Porn Ring
Timmy Fielding

Another Way of Being
Sion Liscannor

The Youth & Young Loves of Oliver Wade: Stories
Ben Monopoli

How to Have Impossible Conversations: A Very Practical Guide
Peter Boghossian, James Lindsay

The Fear of Child Sexuality: Young People, Sex, and Agency
Steven Angelides

My patient is a pedophile: A guide for therapists and trainee therapists
PedoHelp, Cécile Miele, Jean-Philippe Cano, Mathieu Lacambre, Association Une Vie, Brigitte Sion

The Clouds Still Hang: The Complete Trilogy
Patrick C Notchtree

Discipline and Punish: The Birth of the Prison
Michel Foucault

Madness and Civilization: A History of Insanity in the Age of Reason
Michel Foucault

The History of Prostitution – Illustrated Edition
William Wallace Sangar, L. Carr

Stolen Kisses, Broken Child
Angela Wallace

Past the Dark Field
Sheila van den Heuvel Collins

Michael Jackson’s Dangerous Liaisons: Arvizo, Barnes, Bhatti, Chandler, Culkin… The A-Z of All the King’s Boys
Carl Toms

The Art of Logical Thinking: Or the Laws of Reasoning (Classic Reprint)
William Atkinson


What does an adult have in common with a child?…


Date: September 30, 2019

A common objection to child pedophile relationships:

“What does an adult have in common with a child?”

Honest question…

…What do they need to have in common, in order for their relationship to be respected as socially legitimate?

I’ve encountered this objection many times, stated as if it were a self evident retort…but what does it even mean?…

Obviously, if two [or more] people come together and stay together…they share something meaningful in common.

Usually, it will be multiple things, and individual to each relationship.

The question is…will society respect what they share, and their bond based around it?


Responding to “The Trouble With Radical Paedophilia – Part 2 – The Third Scenario” (Narrated)…


Date: August 13, 2019

01) “The Trouble With Radical Paedophilia – Part 2 – The Third Scenario”

This selection from “In Self Defense: The Life and Times of An Atheist BoyLover…Memoirs and Ethos”, has been narrated by Rocco White. Please enjoy the listen, or read along if you like…or need to.


Well…sure…it’s extremely complicated…maybe even extremely close to impossible…

…but that’s never going to stop me from condemning, the wrongs committed in the name of “protecting” society.

It’s never made any sense to me that people claim to “protect” society, as they go about acting to devastate large portions of that exact same society.

They’re not “protecting” anything…they’re forcing a social breakdown…possibly even a civil war.

One thing we can demand and aspire towards…is the open presence of MAPs, not only in public communication forums…but also in official public service positions…Yes, I’m talking about openly serving in government.

At the bare minimum, if it is decided that things “cannot” currently change as we would like to see them…at least we would have a voice, and a say in the process.

As things stand…everything is simply imposed by force, threat, intimidation…or more extreme measures.

To the best of my knowledge…we are not really even fighting for sexual liberation of ourselves.

We’re fighting for so many other things…including the simple right, to have a safe life in society…and a place at the political table…We’re fighting to walk society back away from the edge of the crazy cliff.

Maybe the day will come, that MAPs can fight for their own sexual liberation…but I don’t see a realistic shot at achieving it, today.

I don’t view what I do, as working towards tearing down society…In fact, on the balance…I think what I do is actually quite uplifting and constructive…empowering, even.

I admit that I have said many times, I would have happily accepted a far shorter lifespan, in trade for an honestly fulfilled lifetime…and given how hard and awful things have become, I sometimes find myself wishing I no longer had to bare it.

I stand by my statement…I would consider it a very good trade, if I could have had one, two…maybe three good, extended man boy love relationships in my lifetime, and I were dead today…hell…even if I’d have died ten years ago.

No…I don’t wish to push my will onto another who is unwilling…nor onto society…But I cannot live, with society snuffing out the meaning and joy in my own life…and that has been robbed of me, regardless of the reasoning…There is no fitting restitution…Nothing will reckon it.

This is what the war on human sexuality creates…I don’t like it…I don’t want it this way…but, this is their Frankenstein…

A lot of people live with these injuries…far more than most people realize.

Society at large does suffer a cost for this…It bubbles under the surface…and concentrates in places, which in some cases leave children raped and murdered…in some cases, it might be mental illness…in others, social violence…

Society is injuring itself, no matter what…It’s just choosing to ignore the many ways it is injuring itself.