Category Archives: In Self Defense: The Life & Times of an Atheist BoyLover

The personal “book” of my life…

What ISD Is – What ISD Is Not…


January 10, 2020

What ISD Is:

In Self Defense, is a distinct project unto itself. It is not Our Love Frontier, and Our Love Frontier is not In Self Defense.

It is the public diary of a homosexual pedophile, who is attracted to boys roughly aged seven through twelve…That homosexual pedophile is myself.

What is offered here, is a vast amount of my writings, recordings and media, which I’ve produced and published over the last 20 years…and the last 15 years, in general.

Much of it has some direct connection to my life and existence as a homosexual pedophile…Much of it does not, and is more of a general expression on world and social issues.

I am offering my insights…and a factual, long term recording of the thoughts and mind, of someone who actually lives this existence.

I am alive today, right now…and I am seizing my chance to make a difference in this world, by engaging with it…and infusing one homosexual pedophiles voice into the public dialogue.

What ISD Is Not:

In Self Defense is not here to convince you of anything.

I do not hold your hand, here…I do not spoon feed you anything…I do not expect you to praise me for it…I do not expect you to read it all…I do not expect you to come away from reading it, with any specific change to your worldview…

I don’t expect you to end up thinking, just exactly as I think.

I do not pour over research…nor do I analyze studies…There are others who are much more competent at this, than myself…and you should visit the EQF Community Links, if you are sincerely searching for that sort of thing.

I make no claims to speak for any other Minor Attracted Person.


What is here, is human expression which hopefully makes clear my morals, ethics, rational and conclusions…and stands as testimony that we MAPs do have good, sound morals, ethics, rational and conclusions…and that we live decent, honest lives, worthy of respect.

People will make of it what they will. I expect that the majority of people will reject it, outright…and this body of work does not exist for those people.

It exists for those who are genuinely searching…not just for a meaning in this sort of existence…but searching for viable ways we can live together in peace, and combat true sexual brutality.

Ultimately…though I have written enormous amounts just to “get things out”, and at times deal with my own frustrations with the world around me…I’ve published it, and kept writing, to offer thoughtful dialogue starters, which anyone can use to begin discussing issues related to MAPs…or just the broader world we live in and share.


A Bit of Perspective: Research, Politics and Culture…


Date: December 22, 2019

Nearly everything our culture claims to “know” about MAPs, came from studies and research, produced by organizations, in a time era and culture which considered all sexual minorities to be contemptible human trash.

While those who identify as gays and lesbians have managed to move beyond these imposed distortions, and force an accurate representation of themselves…MAPs [as well as children and youth] have absolutely never been given the dignity of such accuracy.

We as MAPs have been, and remain til this day, judged according to the claimed results of decades worth of old, grossly biased research.

Sexual minorities of all stripes, have historically been treated in the worst possible ways, by the overwhelming majority of “experts” and “authorities”.

I would like for every MAP to contemplate this until they understand the gravity of it’s consequences…most especially prior to repeating and propagating the rhetoric produced by these “experts”, “authorities”, organizations and cultures.

If you, as a MAP, do not consider yourself to be human trash…then it behooves you to demand far better than what we are being subjected to.


I am Part of the Open and Honest MAP Community…


Date: December 01, 2019

My first loyalty is to the honest pursuit of truth.

I am not bothered over who becomes offended, because of this honest pursuit of truth.

I reject dogma, and hold no loyalty to groups which propagate dogma.

This also means that I know, and accept, that an awful lot of things in this world are not going to be liked, by an awful lot of people…

…and yet…this stops nothing which is true, from being true.

Nobody is obliged to apologize, for discussing what is true.


The Critical Importance of the “Pro Contact” MAP Community…


Date: November 29, 2019

We possess the integrity and honesty, to acknowledge and discuss those socially uncomfortable topics which the “anti contact” MAP community does not.

We are not so afraid of the world and what people will think about us, that we refuse to see and confront the world around us as it exists.

Despite whatever social pariahs this makes us…we are honest.

We will bring forward and work through the social issues, which “anti contact” MAPs are unwilling to…lack the knowledge, courage or integrity to.

“Pro Contact” MAPs are, hands down, what these issues most need.

We wont lie…We wont spread misinformation…We wont internalize the rhetoric of the enemy.

I don’t like the “pro contact MAP” label…It is squarely an invention, of those who call themselves “anti contact MAPs”…and it has been forcefully imposed upon us, by them. It is an idiotic, classicist wedge, which implies things about “the other”, by putting words into their mouths…It has only served the end result, of making many enemies within the MAP community.

However…since we have this large faction which insists on carrying out these hostilities within the MAP community…let me just be clear…that the “anti contact” faction has a grotesque integrity deficit [some of them are straight up dangerous, ignorant, self righteous, hypocritical a-holes, indistinguishable from antis and other internet bullies], and that anyone would suggest that they “should drown out the pro contact voice”, is just despicable.

Sorry Fae…I really, honestly want to like you on a personal level…but you are way in the wrong, with this sentiment…

I think you are a genuinely decent person…

…but don’t even dream, that you can stop natural truth from making it’s way to the surface.

That folly, is the path of those who inevitably find themselves on the wrong side of history.

…Many MAPs are going to be on that wrong side…That much is regretfully clear.


An Incomplete List of Books in My Library, in No Particular Order…


Date: October 13, 2019

Most of these are physical books…a number of them are digital.

To my shame, I have not read all of these…but I intend to.

I left out most of the novels, like Stephen Kings Dark Tower series, or The Neverending Story, and the plethora of classic books I’ve downloaded…

I’ve also failed to include the masses of research papers, articles, books and whatnot, that I’ve downloaded and archived on my PC over the years…that would expand the list, greatly.

What is here, are books which I have at one time or another purchased…most of which I still own a copy of.

These lean very heavy into the realm of child sexuality, pedophilia and related social issues.

I cannot vouch for each book here…but I have found a lot of valuable reading and knowledge, within this collection.

Sadly, I am unsure where I placed every single one of these at, but trust I will eventually happen upon them in the future.

A Book Reading List:

Show Me!: A Picture Book of Sex for Children and Parents
– Helga Fleischhauer-Hardt (Author), Will McBride (Photographer) 1975

I don’t currently own a copy of “Show Me!”, but I once did. It was phenominal, for what it was. Though it’s still freely available for sale on Amazon, it should be noted that some jurisdictions in the U.S. [and around the globe] have passed laws which criminalize the purchase and ownership of this book.

We were NOT abused!
David L. Riegel (Author) 2007

Male Intergenerational Intimacy: Historical, Socio-Psychological, and Legal Perspectives
Sandfort, Theo, Naerssen, Alex X. Van

Loving Boys by Brongersma, Edward Volume 1 & 2
Edward Brongersma (Author)

A Handbook for the Study of Mental Health: Social Contexts, Theories, and Systems
Allan V. Horwitz

Creating Mental Illness
Allan V. Horwitz

The Demon-Haunted World: Science as a Candle in the Dark
Carl Sagan

House of Cards
Robyn Dawes

Scott Campbell

Why People Believe Weird Things: Pseudoscience, Superstition, and Other Confusions of Our Time
Michael Shermer (Author), Steven Jay Gould (Foreword)

Child Sexual Abuse by Finkelhor, David
David Finkelhor (Author)

Beyond Hysteria: Boy Erotica on the Internet
David L. Riegel (Author)

Could They All Have Been Wrong?
David L. Riegel (Author)

This Too Is Love
J. H. (Author)

The Moralist
Rod Downey

Greek Love Reconsidered
Thomas K. Hubbard

The Activist’s Handbook: A Primer Updated Edition with a New Preface
Randy Shaw

Reveille for Radicals
Saul Alinsky

Rules for Radicals
Saul Alinsky

Made in the USA: Memoir of a Sex Offender
Walter Jenkins

The Early Homosexual Rights Movement: (1864-1935)
John Lauritsen, David Thorstad

Sex, Sin, and Blasphemy: A Guide to America’s Censorship Wars
Marjorie Heins

Crime Without Victims: Documents on Paedophilia, Vol. 1
Preben Hertoft, et al

When Jonathan Died
Tony Duvert, D. R. Roberts

The History of Sexuality, Vol. 1: An Introduction

The Trauma Myth: The Truth About the Sexual Abuse of Children–and Its Aftermath
Susan A. Clancy

A Son Called Gabriel
Damian McNicholl

Boarding School
Clint Adams

The Culvert
Clint Adams

These Were My Realities
Jay Edson

A Natural Lizard Activity
B.J. Freedman, Mario de Graaf

The Boys and the Bees
Joe Babcock

American Furies: Crime, Punishment, and Vengeance in the Age of Mass Imprisonment
Sasha Abramsky

Justice Perverted: Sex Offense Law, Psychology, and Public Policy
Charles Patrick Ewing

The Sexuality of Christ in Renaissance Art and in Modern Oblivion
Leo Steinberg

Gay Man’s Worst Friend – the Story of Destroyer Magazine
Karl Andersson

Childhood Sexuality: Normal Sexual Behavior and Development
Sandfort, Theo

On Writing: 10th Anniversary Edition: A Memoir of the Craft
King, Stephen

The Trouble With Harry Hay
Timmons, Stuart

Children’s Sexual Encounters with Adults
Li, C. K.

Story: Substance, Structure, Style and the Principles of Screenwriting
McKee, Robert

Child Pornography and Pedophilia
US Senate Committee on Governmental Affairs

Children and Sex: New Findings, New Perspectives
Larry L. Constantine

The Rape of the Mind: The Psychology of Thought Control, Menticide, and Brainwashing
MD Joost A. M. Meerloo

The Decency Wars: The Campaign to Cleanse American Culture
Frederick S Lane

Brainwashing: The Science of Thought Control
Kathleen Taylor

The Persian Boy
Mary Renault

Child-Loving: The Erotic Child and Victorian Culture
James Kincaid

The Science of Influence: How to Get Anyone to Say “Yes” in 8 Minutes or Less!
Kevin Hogan

The Psychology of Persuasion: How To Persuade Others To Your Way Of Thinking
Kevin Hogan

Censoring Sex Research: The Debate over Male Intergenerational Relations
Thomas K Hubbard, Beert Verstraete

The Science of Fear: How the Culture of Fear Manipulates Your Brain
Gardner, Daniel

Pedophilia and Adult-Child Sex: A Philosophical Analysis
Kershnar, Stephen

Social Engineering: The Art of Human Hacking
Hadnagy, Christopher

Caged Bird
Katy Morgan-Davies

Alexander’s Choice
Edmund Marlowe

Those Williams Boys
Arby Moon

Jason’s Truth
David Krongelb, Joyce E Magee

The INFP Book: The Perks, Challenges, and Self-Discovery of an INFP
Catherine Chea

Galileo’s Middle Finger: Heretics, Activists, and One Scholar’s Search for Justice
Alice Dreger

The Secret Life Of Billy Chase
By: Comicality [The Eight Book Series]

Silent Victim: Growing up in a Child Porn Ring
Timmy Fielding

Angus Stewart

Untold Stories: How I Survived a Child Porn Ring
Timmy Fielding

Another Way of Being
Sion Liscannor

The Youth & Young Loves of Oliver Wade: Stories
Ben Monopoli

How to Have Impossible Conversations: A Very Practical Guide
Peter Boghossian, James Lindsay

The Fear of Child Sexuality: Young People, Sex, and Agency
Steven Angelides

My patient is a pedophile: A guide for therapists and trainee therapists
PedoHelp, Cécile Miele, Jean-Philippe Cano, Mathieu Lacambre, Association Une Vie, Brigitte Sion

The Clouds Still Hang: The Complete Trilogy
Patrick C Notchtree

Discipline and Punish: The Birth of the Prison
Michel Foucault

Madness and Civilization: A History of Insanity in the Age of Reason
Michel Foucault

The History of Prostitution – Illustrated Edition
William Wallace Sangar, L. Carr

Stolen Kisses, Broken Child
Angela Wallace

Past the Dark Field
Sheila van den Heuvel Collins

Michael Jackson’s Dangerous Liaisons: Arvizo, Barnes, Bhatti, Chandler, Culkin… The A-Z of All the King’s Boys
Carl Toms

The Art of Logical Thinking: Or the Laws of Reasoning (Classic Reprint)
William Atkinson


What does an adult have in common with a child?…


Date: September 30, 2019

A common objection to child pedophile relationships:

“What does an adult have in common with a child?”

Honest question…

…What do they need to have in common, in order for their relationship to be respected as socially legitimate?

I’ve encountered this objection many times, stated as if it were a self evident retort…but what does it even mean?…

Obviously, if two [or more] people come together and stay together…they share something meaningful in common.

Usually, it will be multiple things, and individual to each relationship.

The question is…will society respect what they share, and their bond based around it?


Responding to “The Trouble With Radical Paedophilia – Part 2 – The Third Scenario” (Narrated)…


Date: August 13, 2019

01) “The Trouble With Radical Paedophilia – Part 2 – The Third Scenario”

This selection from “In Self Defense: The Life and Times of An Atheist BoyLover…Memoirs and Ethos”, has been narrated by Rocco White. Please enjoy the listen, or read along if you like…or need to.


Well…sure…it’s extremely complicated…maybe even extremely close to impossible…

…but that’s never going to stop me from condemning, the wrongs committed in the name of “protecting” society.

It’s never made any sense to me that people claim to “protect” society, as they go about acting to devastate large portions of that exact same society.

They’re not “protecting” anything…they’re forcing a social breakdown…possibly even a civil war.

One thing we can demand and aspire towards…is the open presence of MAPs, not only in public communication forums…but also in official public service positions…Yes, I’m talking about openly serving in government.

At the bare minimum, if it is decided that things “cannot” currently change as we would like to see them…at least we would have a voice, and a say in the process.

As things stand…everything is simply imposed by force, threat, intimidation…or more extreme measures.

To the best of my knowledge…we are not really even fighting for sexual liberation of ourselves.

We’re fighting for so many other things…including the simple right, to have a safe life in society…and a place at the political table…We’re fighting to walk society back away from the edge of the crazy cliff.

Maybe the day will come, that MAPs can fight for their own sexual liberation…but I don’t see a realistic shot at achieving it, today.

I don’t view what I do, as working towards tearing down society…In fact, on the balance…I think what I do is actually quite uplifting and constructive…empowering, even.

I admit that I have said many times, I would have happily accepted a far shorter lifespan, in trade for an honestly fulfilled lifetime…and given how hard and awful things have become, I sometimes find myself wishing I no longer had to bare it.

I stand by my statement…I would consider it a very good trade, if I could have had one, two…maybe three good, extended man boy love relationships in my lifetime, and I were dead today…hell…even if I’d have died ten years ago.

No…I don’t wish to push my will onto another who is unwilling…nor onto society…But I cannot live, with society snuffing out the meaning and joy in my own life…and that has been robbed of me, regardless of the reasoning…There is no fitting restitution…Nothing will reckon it.

This is what the war on human sexuality creates…I don’t like it…I don’t want it this way…but, this is their Frankenstein…

A lot of people live with these injuries…far more than most people realize.

Society at large does suffer a cost for this…It bubbles under the surface…and concentrates in places, which in some cases leave children raped and murdered…in some cases, it might be mental illness…in others, social violence…

Society is injuring itself, no matter what…It’s just choosing to ignore the many ways it is injuring itself.


Children Raped in “Child Pornography” (Narrated)…


Date: July 20, 2019

This selection from “In Self Defense: The Life and Times of An Atheist BoyLover…Memoirs and Ethos”, has been narrated by Rocco White. Please enjoy the listen, or read along if you like…or need to.


Just some thoughts…

Personally, I take no issue with people bringing up complicated issues, with no easy answers…not even when it is a serious irritant…such as “children raped in child pornography” has always been.

It’s one of those “Gotcha!” arguments.

What I do take issue with…is a system and culture which demonizes the entirety of everything called “child pornography”, and completely removes said content from public investigation and scrutiny…under threat of severe punishment, for defying the rules.

Personally…I believe the predominant views and attitudes on things like nudity, sex, and exhibitionism verses modesty, are generally dictated and imposed by our culture.

If we lived as a hippy Eden, where everybody was allowed to live clothing optional, and sexually associate out in the open…and children were not barred from these things…where it was all just accepted as normal…then we would not have the same emotions of shame, regret and victimhood, which are predominant in cultures which practice body shame, or shame of sexuality.

I’m not suggesting a hippie Eden is perfect…and there are no perfect environments for all existence of life…

…I am saying, that humans are self defeating when they obsess over human sexuality, what other people are doing…thinking…looking at…

Children being raped in “child pornography” [which I think is a distortion of the term], cannot really be intelligently addressed and dealt with, when we have authoritarians using this as an excuse to round up and incarcerate every person who’s viewed/possessed anything that falls under the umbrella of “child pornography”…which is a wide spanning [and ever growing] category.

One concession…

Some people use the term “child erotica”, to differentiate between children mutually engaged in sexual pleasure, and the filming of children being forced into a sexual situation, or just outright raped…I’m not sure how widely this has caught on, however. I’ve been trying to incorporate it into my own writings and speech…but it’s difficult, after so many years of using the term “child pornography”.

Many of us do not consider adult with child porn, to be “child pornography”…and we certainly reject all porn lacking actual children, to be “child pornography”…In addition, we don’t look upon the filming of children being sexually brutalized, as being “child pornography”…

These are rogue elements which should be flushed out…but to some extent, they flourish due to the fact that “child pornography” has been pushed so deeply underground.

In all fairness…I’m certain this would still remain deeply underground, even if “vanilla style child pornography” were decriminalized…but the point is…there is a wide range of things being grouped in with “child pornography”…and many of us object not only to this bullheaded, forced equivalence grouping…but we also vigorously object to children being subjected to sexual brutality.

As an aside…I personally use the term “sexual brutality”, to differentiate from the socially distorted “sexual violence”…the latter not really caring so much if violence is involved, as it is with tainting a wide range of sexual behaviors, with the concept of violence.

We should keep in mind…children are not innocent, disinterested and uninvolved pawns in all of this.

If the internet has taught us anything…it’s that children and youth, on some level, have a natural capacity towards sexual expression…something that has always been understood by people into child erotica…and the legal statistics are starting to substantiate this in a concrete manner.

What is it?…something like 30 to 40 percent of the arrests and charges in modern times, are of people under eighteen years of age…some are even prepubescent…

…We are talking about the producers and distributors, here…they are kids…not adults…These are kids who decided they wanted to get a sexual thrill via online exhibitionism, and maybe make some money at the same time.

They exist…they are out there…and this inconvenient fact can no longer be hidden…And I have absolutely zero trouble believing this, because I was exactly the sort of boy who would have done this sort of thing, had the technology existed when I was that age…As a social demographic, we sorts of people do exist.

So…to bring this to a close…

Many of us have been demanding for decades an answer…as to why sexual brutality has been forcefully tied to literally all sexual expression involving people under the age of eighteen, like a ball and chain around the neck…

We have also demanded an answer, as to why the authoritarians keep framing this issue…as if those who have tolerance [and fondness] for child erotica, are somehow agreeing with sexual brutality against children…or worse…claiming that “they are the cause of it”…

Between the harmless individuals who simply love watching cute seven year old boys sucking each other off, and the authoritarians who will freak out and behave in gross disproportion to whatever situation is in front of them…it is the power holding authoritarians and their masses, who are far more directly and demonstrably responsible for the ills which befall children and teenagers in the realm of “child pornography”.

I’m not suggesting modern society can wrap it’s mind around this [certainly not where I am from]…but if we want to actually do something of real substance to combat sexual brutality in “child pornography”…then it needs to be decriminalized, brought out into the open and kept functioning under rules and oversight.

This war on human sexuality, has been about as productive as the war on drugs…It’s time to bring this failure to an end, and at least try something different.


Should the Sexual Minorities Be Socially Separate?…


Date: July 08, 2019

I think that different sexual minorities can still be respectfully open, and supportive of each other. We don’t need to all be the same.

Sometimes, it’s mostly about shared social ethics.

People who believe that every human has a right to their own sexuality, and to sexual association, have common ground on which to unite. It really does not matter what their personal orientation is.

The same can be said, for people who view sexual experience as a premium [or even just vital] good in life.

For that matter…people can unite against the extreme ruthless aggression, aimed at sexual association and open sexual expression.

Possibly the biggest factor behind the current gaff…is that the “between consenting adults” bunch have successfully maneuvered themselves out from under, most of those same social hostilities they once shared with us…

…So, instead of still needing us to bolster their allied numbers, they’ve latched onto mainstream groups and institutions…and abandoned us, as liabilities.

No…I don’t believe every single person was ever on board, with the idea of having sex with literal children…But there once was a time, when they did not mind having us around, to help make social change.

This is one of the reasons I really dislike gaffs between those of us who are left out in the cold…nepiophiles, pedophiles, hebephiles and ephebophiles…It seems, someone out of those closest to “the norm” always wants to break away, and poo poo those “dirty perverts” lower on the ladder.

What they lose sight of…is that nobody [not even themselves] will be honestly free of threat, until we’ve accomplished a radical social change, which no longer sees human sexuality as vile and morally corrupt.

We need to stand for the principle and the truth in it, until the laws and culture respect those principles and truth…Not chase after whatever gets us laid, while playing whatever the current political game is.

There is a dangerous possibility…that the gays, lesbians, bisexuals and transgenders who are all the celebrated rage right now, are going to be torn back down to the cruel realities of this world…by the “make America straight again” sorts…the ones who openly push this murderous ideology…and the ones who silently support it.

We aren’t in a war to change words in law books…

…It’s much, much deeper than that.


In The World I Live: “Homosexual” Means…


Date: July 01, 2019

In the world I have lived my entire life, the word “homosexual” is used to acknowledge that one is sexually oriented towards people of their own sex.

People call themselves “homosexual”, when they recognize and accept this orientation in themselves.

It has never been a requirement, that anyone identifying as “homosexual” currently be sexually active, or have a history of sexual activity, in order to identify their orientation as homosexual.

This seems to be getting turned on it’s head by a minority, and turning into a stumbling block for some…as there appear to be people trying to redefine the “sexual” part of this term, to indicate that someone is, or has been, sexually active.

Somehow, the term “gay” has been segregated into “the identity”…while “homosexual” has been segregated into “the activity” [aka “I’m sexually active”]…and it seems this is the modern way some people are trying to…

…hell…I don’t even know what they are trying to do, because it seems so convoluted and needless.

It’s a hair that never made any sense to split, in the first place.

“Homosexual” is a social demographic, sexually oriented towards their own sex…

“Gay” is a social and political identity, for people to push back through…but gays are still homosexual…

For those who are homosexual…does anyone disagree with me…when I say you […I…We…] discovered you were homosexual, because homosexual is your sexual orientation?…because that is what turns you on?…

Did anyone try to strip you of the term “homosexual”, on account of the fact that you haddn’t yet gone to bed with someone of the same sex?

…I mean, maybe some people did treat you like that…but was it correct for them to do so?

No…it certainly was not.

Is there even a term for homosexuals who’ve not yet become homosexually active?

If there is…that’s complete news to me.

Anyone who recognizes they are sexually attracted to the same sex, can identify as homosexual…even if they’ve never had sex with anyone of the same sex…

There doesn’t seem to be this big conflict among the masses, between “gay” and “homosexual”…

…like there has been this really curious thing being brewed up, between “MAP” and “pedosexual”.

It’s something that has been getting pushed in more recent times…I’ve noticed by MAP’s who identify as “anti contact”, or “NOMAP”.

It’s a hair not in need of splitting…

…And it’s saddling “pedosexual” with an incorrect definition…while at the same time, strongly implying things about other MAP’s [IE: that they are sexually active in a criminal capacity] which have a high likelihood of being false…

…That is treading into dangerous territory.

This is among the reasons, why I so strongly discourage this type of behavior…

…Stop trying to re-define and “other” our old terminologies!…particularly when you don’t even understand their history or meaning.

“Pedosexual” is an excellent, wonderful old term, from our past and present.

It solely designates a sexual orientation.

For those MAP’s who find it does not accurately define their own orientation…they can use a different term they like…

…But “pedosexual” has never deserved being sullied or scorned.