Category Archives: In Self Defense: The Life & Times of an Atheist BoyLover

The personal “book” of my life…

Responding to “The Trouble With Radical Paedophilia – Part 2 – The Third Scenario” (Narrated)…


Date: August 13, 2019

01) “The Trouble With Radical Paedophilia – Part 2 – The Third Scenario”

This selection from “In Self Defense: The Life and Times of An Atheist BoyLover…Memoirs and Ethos”, has been narrated by Rocco White. Please enjoy the listen, or read along if you like…or need to.


Well…sure…it’s extremely complicated…maybe even extremely close to impossible…

…but that’s never going to stop me from condemning, the wrongs committed in the name of “protecting” society.

It’s never made any sense to me that people claim to “protect” society, as they go about acting to devastate large portions of that exact same society.

They’re not “protecting” anything…they’re forcing a social breakdown…possibly even a civil war.

One thing we can demand and aspire towards…is the open presence of MAPs, not only in public communication forums…but also in official public service positions…Yes, I’m talking about openly serving in government.

At the bare minimum, if it is decided that things “cannot” currently change as we would like to see them…at least we would have a voice, and a say in the process.

As things stand…everything is simply imposed by force, threat, intimidation…or more extreme measures.

To the best of my knowledge…we are not really even fighting for sexual liberation of ourselves.

We’re fighting for so many other things…including the simple right, to have a safe life in society…and a place at the political table…We’re fighting to walk society back away from the edge of the crazy cliff.

Maybe the day will come, that MAPs can fight for their own sexual liberation…but I don’t see a realistic shot at achieving it, today.

I don’t view what I do, as working towards tearing down society…In fact, on the balance…I think what I do is actually quite uplifting and constructive…empowering, even.

I admit that I have said many times, I would have happily accepted a far shorter lifespan, in trade for an honestly fulfilled lifetime…and given how hard and awful things have become, I sometimes find myself wishing I no longer had to bare it.

I stand by my statement…I would consider it a very good trade, if I could have had one, two…maybe three good, extended man boy love relationships in my lifetime, and I were dead today…hell…even if I’d have died ten years ago.

No…I don’t wish to push my will onto another who is unwilling…nor onto society…But I cannot live, with society snuffing out the meaning and joy in my own life…and that has been robbed of me, regardless of the reasoning…There is no fitting restitution…Nothing will reckon it.

This is what the war on human sexuality creates…I don’t like it…I don’t want it this way…but, this is their Frankenstein…

A lot of people live with these injuries…far more than most people realize.

Society at large does suffer a cost for this…It bubbles under the surface…and concentrates in places, which in some cases leave children raped and murdered…in some cases, it might be mental illness…in others, social violence…

Society is injuring itself, no matter what…It’s just choosing to ignore the many ways it is injuring itself.


Children Raped in “Child Pornography” (Narrated)…


Date: July 20, 2019

This selection from “In Self Defense: The Life and Times of An Atheist BoyLover…Memoirs and Ethos”, has been narrated by Rocco White. Please enjoy the listen, or read along if you like…or need to.


Just some thoughts…

Personally, I take no issue with people bringing up complicated issues, with no easy answers…not even when it is a serious irritant…such as “children raped in child pornography” has always been.

It’s one of those “Gotcha!” arguments.

What I do take issue with…is a system and culture which demonizes the entirety of everything called “child pornography”, and completely removes said content from public investigation and scrutiny…under threat of severe punishment, for defying the rules.

Personally…I believe the predominant views and attitudes on things like nudity, sex, and exhibitionism verses modesty, are generally dictated and imposed by our culture.

If we lived as a hippy Eden, where everybody was allowed to live clothing optional, and sexually associate out in the open…and children were not barred from these things…where it was all just accepted as normal…then we would not have the same emotions of shame, regret and victimhood, which are predominant in cultures which practice body shame, or shame of sexuality.

I’m not suggesting a hippie Eden is perfect…and there are no perfect environments for all existence of life…

…I am saying, that humans are self defeating when they obsess over human sexuality, what other people are doing…thinking…looking at…

Children being raped in “child pornography” [which I think is a distortion of the term], cannot really be intelligently addressed and dealt with, when we have authoritarians using this as an excuse to round up and incarcerate every person who’s viewed/possessed anything that falls under the umbrella of “child pornography”…which is a wide spanning [and ever growing] category.

One concession…

Some people use the term “child erotica”, to differentiate between children mutually engaged in sexual pleasure, and the filming of children being forced into a sexual situation, or just outright raped…I’m not sure how widely this has caught on, however. I’ve been trying to incorporate it into my own writings and speech…but it’s difficult, after so many years of using the term “child pornography”.

Many of us do not consider adult with child porn, to be “child pornography”…and we certainly reject all porn lacking actual children, to be “child pornography”…In addition, we don’t look upon the filming of children being sexually brutalized, as being “child pornography”…

These are rogue elements which should be flushed out…but to some extent, they flourish due to the fact that “child pornography” has been pushed so deeply underground.

In all fairness…I’m certain this would still remain deeply underground, even if “vanilla style child pornography” were decriminalized…but the point is…there is a wide range of things being grouped in with “child pornography”…and many of us object not only to this bullheaded, forced equivalence grouping…but we also vigorously object to children being subjected to sexual brutality.

As an aside…I personally use the term “sexual brutality”, to differentiate from the socially distorted “sexual violence”…the latter not really caring so much if violence is involved, as it is with tainting a wide range of sexual behaviors, with the concept of violence.

We should keep in mind…children are not innocent, disinterested and uninvolved pawns in all of this.

If the internet has taught us anything…it’s that children and youth, on some level, have a natural capacity towards sexual expression…something that has always been understood by people into child erotica…and the legal statistics are starting to substantiate this in a concrete manner.

What is it?…something like 30 to 40 percent of the arrests and charges in modern times, are of people under eighteen years of age…some are even prepubescent…

…We are talking about the producers and distributors, here…they are kids…not adults…These are kids who decided they wanted to get a sexual thrill via online exhibitionism, and maybe make some money at the same time.

They exist…they are out there…and this inconvenient fact can no longer be hidden…And I have absolutely zero trouble believing this, because I was exactly the sort of boy who would have done this sort of thing, had the technology existed when I was that age…As a social demographic, we sorts of people do exist.

So…to bring this to a close…

Many of us have been demanding for decades an answer…as to why sexual brutality has been forcefully tied to literally all sexual expression involving people under the age of eighteen, like a ball and chain around the neck…

We have also demanded an answer, as to why the authoritarians keep framing this issue…as if those who have tolerance [and fondness] for child erotica, are somehow agreeing with sexual brutality against children…or worse…claiming that “they are the cause of it”…

Between the harmless individuals who simply love watching cute seven year old boys sucking each other off, and the authoritarians who will freak out and behave in gross disproportion to whatever situation is in front of them…it is the power holding authoritarians and their masses, who are far more directly and demonstrably responsible for the ills which befall children and teenagers in the realm of “child pornography”.

I’m not suggesting modern society can wrap it’s mind around this [certainly not where I am from]…but if we want to actually do something of real substance to combat sexual brutality in “child pornography”…then it needs to be decriminalized, brought out into the open and kept functioning under rules and oversight.

This war on human sexuality, has been about as productive as the war on drugs…It’s time to bring this failure to an end, and at least try something different.


Should the Sexual Minorities Be Socially Separate?…


Date: July 08, 2019

I think that different sexual minorities can still be respectfully open, and supportive of each other. We don’t need to all be the same.

Sometimes, it’s mostly about shared social ethics.

People who believe that every human has a right to their own sexuality, and to sexual association, have common ground on which to unite. It really does not matter what their personal orientation is.

The same can be said, for people who view sexual experience as a premium [or even just vital] good in life.

For that matter…people can unite against the extreme ruthless aggression, aimed at sexual association and open sexual expression.

Possibly the biggest factor behind the current gaff…is that the “between consenting adults” bunch have successfully maneuvered themselves out from under, most of those same social hostilities they once shared with us…

…So, instead of still needing us to bolster their allied numbers, they’ve latched onto mainstream groups and institutions…and abandoned us, as liabilities.

No…I don’t believe every single person was ever on board, with the idea of having sex with literal children…But there once was a time, when they did not mind having us around, to help make social change.

This is one of the reasons I really dislike gaffs between those of us who are left out in the cold…nepiophiles, pedophiles, hebephiles and ephebophiles…It seems, someone out of those closest to “the norm” always wants to break away, and poo poo those “dirty perverts” lower on the ladder.

What they lose sight of…is that nobody [not even themselves] will be honestly free of threat, until we’ve accomplished a radical social change, which no longer sees human sexuality as vile and morally corrupt.

We need to stand for the principle and the truth in it, until the laws and culture respect those principles and truth…Not chase after whatever gets us laid, while playing whatever the current political game is.

There is a dangerous possibility…that the gays, lesbians, bisexuals and transgenders who are all the celebrated rage right now, are going to be torn back down to the cruel realities of this world…by the “make America straight again” sorts…the ones who openly push this murderous ideology…and the ones who silently support it.

We aren’t in a war to change words in law books…

…It’s much, much deeper than that.


In The World I Live: “Homosexual” Means…


Date: July 01, 2019

In the world I have lived my entire life, the word “homosexual” is used to acknowledge that one is sexually oriented towards people of their own sex.

People call themselves “homosexual”, when they recognize and accept this orientation in themselves.

It has never been a requirement, that anyone identifying as “homosexual” currently be sexually active, or have a history of sexual activity, in order to identify their orientation as homosexual.

This seems to be getting turned on it’s head by a minority, and turning into a stumbling block for some…as there appear to be people trying to redefine the “sexual” part of this term, to indicate that someone is, or has been, sexually active.

Somehow, the term “gay” has been segregated into “the identity”…while “homosexual” has been segregated into “the activity” [aka “I’m sexually active”]…and it seems this is the modern way some people are trying to…

…hell…I don’t even know what they are trying to do, because it seems so convoluted and needless.

It’s a hair that never made any sense to split, in the first place.

“Homosexual” is a social demographic, sexually oriented towards their own sex…

“Gay” is a social and political identity, for people to push back through…but gays are still homosexual…

For those who are homosexual…does anyone disagree with me…when I say you […I…We…] discovered you were homosexual, because homosexual is your sexual orientation?…because that is what turns you on?…

Did anyone try to strip you of the term “homosexual”, on account of the fact that you haddn’t yet gone to bed with someone of the same sex?

…I mean, maybe some people did treat you like that…but was it correct for them to do so?

No…it certainly was not.

Is there even a term for homosexuals who’ve not yet become homosexually active?

If there is…that’s complete news to me.

Anyone who recognizes they are sexually attracted to the same sex, can identify as homosexual…even if they’ve never had sex with anyone of the same sex…

There doesn’t seem to be this big conflict among the masses, between “gay” and “homosexual”…

…like there has been this really curious thing being brewed up, between “MAP” and “pedosexual”.

It’s something that has been getting pushed in more recent times…I’ve noticed by MAP’s who identify as “anti contact”, or “NOMAP”.

It’s a hair not in need of splitting…

…And it’s saddling “pedosexual” with an incorrect definition…while at the same time, strongly implying things about other MAP’s [IE: that they are sexually active in a criminal capacity] which have a high likelihood of being false…

…That is treading into dangerous territory.

This is among the reasons, why I so strongly discourage this type of behavior…

…Stop trying to re-define and “other” our old terminologies!…particularly when you don’t even understand their history or meaning.

“Pedosexual” is an excellent, wonderful old term, from our past and present.

It solely designates a sexual orientation.

For those MAP’s who find it does not accurately define their own orientation…they can use a different term they like…

…But “pedosexual” has never deserved being sullied or scorned.


In Response To Mario Alejandro Casillas…


Date: May 26, 2019

01) Mario Alejandro Casillas

Hello, Mario…

“Hey your a pedo sympathizer right? I have questions.”

I am a pedophile BoyLover.

“How do you think pedos get laid do they just go up to a 7 year old ask em out to dinner then wait till the third date?”

Where it comes to intergenerational relationships of that nature, discard the stereotypical models of “adult sex”. The dynamics are not the same, and the manifestations cannot be entirely the same.

That said…in a civilization which understands, values and respects intergenerational love…the scenario of an adult taking a child out to dinner, or to places where they can spend time together, would not be particularly strange or ill viewed.

Most modern cultures would have to experience radical changes, before any supportive social framework existed, which these types of relationships could honestly exist in.

“What if the child doesn’t understand what their asking?”

This is a failure on the part of culture and civilization.

Children should not be forced into sexual ignorance…

…If sex is not hidden from them, and they see the activities in culture…whenever they seek it out…they will have something on which they can base a decision, to self elect into some form of sexual activity.

” What if they don’t consent?”

Then it is an abuse.

“Is there an age limit for children or it’s ok no matter what the age.”

That is a very deep, sometimes volatile, question…since nepiophilia [the sexual love of infants and toddlers] is also a factor.

As I see it…this primarily hinges on the tolerance and temperament of the civilization.

Some are intelligent and progressive enough…to see things for what they are.

It’s little known or talked about today…but attitudes to sex [and sexual touch] were radically different in some regards, only a century back…and earlier.

Mothers and other family members orally sucking a small boys penis [to calm him, etc.], was once considered a total non-issue…simple child rearing…The practice has been recorded in writings, and even paintings…

…In France…there was once a time when the family structure was such that…a young [10…11…12…13…] boy’s first sexual companion would normally be his own mother…and this would commonly last until he took on a wife, and/or moved out of the home.

These were pragmatic social decisions, the larger culture saw nothing shocking or horrendous about.

Contrary to the “we learned better, and put a stop to it” opinion…these practices were a casualty of sharply changing moral outrage…Previously, they worked out quite splendidly in their cultures…People who morally object, like to cast a dark shadow on such practices, and act as though they were on par with slavery, or something…They also like to carry on, as if these things “must have been traumatic, and obviously not enjoyable”…There is no reason for this conclusion, other than ignorance and bigotry.

The first example I just gave, easily falls into the behavioral realm of nepiphilia…even if the people doing it, were not strictly nepiophiles.

Is it possible for civilization to afford sexual intimacy to children of all ages?…

…Yes…it unquestionably is…It already has been, in the not so distant past.

Should there be an age cut off?…

…This is a question every civilization has to confront, debate, wrestle over, and make a decision regarding.

“Do you think pedos get the right to do things to children that potentially aren’t old enough to have had ‘the talk’?”

Well…pedophiles are people who are attracted to children in the roughly six to twelve age range…Generally speaking, if sex is not hidden from children in the culture…then they would be old enough to have some sort of “the talk”.

Nepiophiles would be the more complicated discussion to be had…provided a culture agrees “the talk” is such a vital thing, for every single form of sexual encounter.

If the culture is more lax, and has an eased mind about things like simple, gentle touch…then does “a talk” really hold so much importance, when that is all the child ever experiences?

Hebephiles [who are attracted to people going through puberty] and ephebophiles [who are attracted to young people in their teens, who’ve passed through puberty], are generally accepted as being attracted to people who are likely to have had such a talk.

As a side…I’ve never understood the whole ridiculousness surrounding “the talk”…a generally uncomfortable encounter, with someone you’ll never have sexual relations with…who you don’t really even want to have such a discussion with…quickly dumping a bunch of “sex facts” onto you, and never bringing the topic up again…

…as if this is how human sexuality even should be approached.

It’s pathetic and ridiculous…as are cultures who think this is how things should be.

“Do you also support rape culture and believe rape should be legal?”

No, and no…

The timing of your questions is kind of interesting, as I just recently [within the last week] wrote something relevant to this, for my “In Self Defense” series.

In all honesty…I am a pragmatic moderate…I am against forced celibacy…I am against forced sexual activity…I am against forced sexual ignorance…I am for self elected, sexual freedom.

Many people will say that “children cannot understand sex”…

…And of course they cannot understand it, when the very same people making such claims, are among the people making certain children never see, or learn anything about sex

This is an unnatural state of being…which takes naturally sexual beings, and makes sexually dysfunctional beings out of them.

I strongly recommend reading the Growing Up Sexually archive, which catalogues a very large collection of historical examples, where children and teens have been both expected and tolerated, to be engaged in sexual activity.

Childhood sexuality has been far more tolerated throughout history, than most people imagine.

When we take an honest look at it…the claims of “trauma and injury” fall flat.

“This is not meant as an attack I’m just curious to how the mind of a pedo support guy works.”

I appreciate that…Thank you.


“Pedophiles” Should Be Forced To Suffer For The Rest Of Their Lives, What They Put Their “Victims” Through?…


Date: May 15, 2019

When people tell me I should be forced to spend the rest of my life, enduring the fate I’ve allegedly “put victims through” [I don’t have victims]…

…I cant help but think to myself…”Wow!…You are very generous!”…

If I had gone down a different path…and had a natural sexual relationship with a boy…and I ended up being treated, exactly like I treated that boy…

…I would spend the remainder of my life in absolute, utter heaven…

…The endless sexual bliss, of being constantly played with, massaged…and the endless oral sex [especially if they could attain full shaft sucking]…with someone who is passionately into it?…

…Holy Heck!…With a loved one you are attracted to, that would hands down be just about the greatest thing in the world!

Everyone should be so fortunate!…

…And thank you, very much, for wishing such an awesome, charmed future on me!

I truly wish I could have this future…

…As a kind person…I wish everyone could have such a loving, awesome future.


I Am A Pragmatic Moderate (Narrated)…


Date: May 15, 2019

01) LINK

This selection from “In Self Defense: The Life and Times of An Atheist BoyLover…Memoirs and Ethos”, has been narrated by Rocco White. Please enjoy the listen, or read along if you like…or need to.


In the event there is any doubt as to where I stand, regarding social sexual politics [including those concerning intergenerational sex]…I am a moderate pragmatist.

I condemn forced sex…

I condemn forced celibacy.

I condemn forced sexual ignorance, through withholding of information.

I condemn attempting to sever any individual, from their own sexual nature.

What most western countries do today, is an extremist position and practice…in that it forces celibacy on a vast range of the population, and punishes naturally sexual human beings for being sexual.

The polar opposite extreme position and practice…is one which can be seen in some cults and religions…as well as certain cultures, where individuals lose their sexual autonomy, by being forcefully corralled into sexual relationships they would not choose for themselves…This can happen in child marriages, for example.

There is also the occasional individual [IE: there is a published BoyLover, who’s name I cannot remember], who believes that children must be forced into sexual relations at an early age.

I strongly disagree with both of these extremes.

I am a pragmatist, who understands we are not getting rid of the sex drive in the human being…I accept that management of human sexuality is a balance and a dance, of different people with different needs and tolerance…I accept that rigid, cookie cutter “resolutions” will never adequately resolve social sexual issues…In fact, they are the worst approach available…Extreme reactions are never the answer, which solves issues for all…or at least the vast majority.

I ask pragmatic questions like…

…What’s so bad about at least considering what our alternatives are?…

…What’s so bad about listening to each other, respectfully?…and trying to understand each other?…[…and when I say this, I mean everyone…including children who’ve willfully been sexually active in some capacity…]

…What’s so bad about allowing our children to see sex, and learn the facts about it?….

…What’s so bad about accepting that many humans have had wonderful sexual experiences, even during their childhood?…

…What’s so bad about having an open mind, and imagining that maybe, just maybe…people with a high sexual interest, who share a magnetism with each other, should legally be allowed to associate with each other, for and by their own choosing?

I am a pragmatist…because the extremist positions are so insanely messed up…and they’ve driven us into the ground, as a culture…and, frankly…as a species…They have caused so much needless suffering and waste…so much anger, distrust and ill will…

I am a pragmatic moderate…because the extremes plainly do not work…and they have a history exhibiting, that they are an abysmal failure.

The future…if we even care to have a decent future at all…will be built upon solid education…freely open…with strong social support…and an open “legal space”, for those who need freedoms, which maybe the majority choose not to partake in…It will value and respect differences in human beings, and in what gives meaning to any individuals life.


Fun Fact: Sexual Attraction to Prepubescents…


Date: April 24, 2019

Did you know, that on average…the onset of human puberty has been occurring at lower, and lower ages, as time has gone by?

Whereas today, one could hit puberty at the age of ten years, or even younger…in ancient times, puberty usually occurred around seventeen or eighteen years of age…

…which means…the civilizations practicing pederasty, were incorporating sex with prepubescent boys, into their culture…

…And some of the most successful human civilizations of all time [like Rome, Greece and Sparta], practiced this form of intergenerational love.

Just remember that, when people claim that sexual love with the prepubescent “has never been accepted by human culture”…

…It absolutely has been accepted…celebrated, even…and by some of the greatest, most legendary human cultures of history.


I Confess Last Nights Dream…


Date: April 10, 2019

I – a pedophile – got away with something last night…

…Entirely without intention or trace…it was “the perfect crime”…involving nobody but myself…and nothing but the fruits of my biological processes…

I had a dream…This was not an ordinary dream, but an ultra rare dream…My senses were all present, and vivid…

…I could feel his weight…I could feel his soft skin…I could taste his soft skin…I could feel his small penis…I saw his face and his short, blond hair…I saw and experienced the pajamas he was wearing…and I’d have to estimate he was about seven years old…

I don’t know I’d say I entirely condone what took place in that dream…as there wasn’t any talking…and no back story to set it up…We were just two male humans, there in a bedroom…apparently prior to going to bed…or just after waking up.

At any rate…I got pulled along with the events unfolding…just as this boy was…I did not know what was about to happen…It just started happening…

The boy was, presumably, a product of my unconscious mind…unless it’s possible to jump into another persons dream…and interact with them in that setting…which I don’t specifically believe is possible…but I’ve had very strange experiences in my life, which go beyond simple explanation…So…who knows?…

…Maybe there’s a blond haired, seven year old boy wearing blue pajamas, who also woke up extra happy today?…somewhere else in this world?…

No…It probably all happened, isolated in my own head…

There is no such thing as voodoo molestation, after all…Right?

…But what an amazing super power that would be…visiting people in their dreams…

I should be clear, before saying just how utterly real the dream was…I don’t have any real world experience with fondling a seven year old boys penis, through his pajamas…So, technically…I don’t know that this experienced dream was indistinguishable from the real thing…I don’t have memories of the real thing, to compare it with.

This experienced dream was without shame…or fear…it just was…it just happened, in a completely free zone…without judgement…

…And it was very nice…an all too rare treat, my unconscious brain gives me…once every several years.

There is no physical trace of it…There’s no psychological trauma from it…You cannot judge or prosecute me, for having had this experience…which to my mind, was indistinguishable from a real world experience, while it was unfolding in my dream…

…I just wish I knew…how to force these kinds of dream to happen…because I haven’t had nearly enough of them…

This one BoyLover friend of mine…we’re very estranged from each other [in a “drifting apart” kind of way]…I remember him once saying, that he always had these kinds of dreams after eating a spicy, pepperoni pizza…

…I thought he was just joking around…but, I’ve been eating on a double pepperoni pizza for the last two days…


…He may have been onto something.


“Child Is Not a Gender”…


Date: March 21, 2019

I agree…”Childhood” is objectively not a gender…

…But they are physically different from adults…and when someone is most sexually attracted to that childhood difference, it is objectively part of their sexuality…hence, how they are sexually oriented.

Pedophilia is a defining factor of ones sexual orientation…just like being attracted to adults is a defining factor of ones sexual orientation.

People act like “homosexual” and “heterosexual” are the only things considered, when we talk about how an individuals sexual orientation manifests…and that is short sighted folly.

When the differences between physical childhood and physical adulthood are so wide…it’s important to recognize that either orientation is very different…and it is justified to recognize the differences.

“Childhood” does not need to be it’s own gender.

It is entirely inconsequential, to the question of whether pedophilia is a sexual orientation.

As a pedophile…I ask why there are people out there, who imagine they can disallow us the ability, to define and qualify our own sexual orientation?

It does not matter, that some people are uncomfortable with these facts…

…This is the way things happen to be…It’s not going to change, to suit anyone’s narrow comfort zone.