Figuring it Out

Figuring it Out

I think it would be most fair to say, in junior high I figured out I am a BoyLover.

I was always attracted like that…but there are several levels of information you need to know, before it all starts making any sense.

I learned about what sex was [of the heterosexual style], at the age of about ten…essentially, by accident. It didn’t really mean a whole lot to me, at that moment in time…Okay, so “that” goes in “there”?…Though it would become more interesting to me, over time.

It’s always seemed strange to me…that you could have the physical and biological reflexes to even just visual stimulation…while simultaneously being oblivious of the possibilities…you know…what to do, about your reflex…It makes me wonder how other animals by instinct, just do…yet for all of our sophistication…we have to be instructed.

…Or, maybe it is all a matter of not being allowed to freely explore, until all mysteries are solved?

I learned, “that is what I am”…from a trail of discoveries and instruction…”Oh…Males can have sex with each other?”…”Oh…They do that in sex?”…and eventually, the fact that I wanted to get naked and touch with my cousins son [it is a very, very large family], or a number of other boys unrelated, started to make sense…sort of…So, I went into denial…because that is not something I could afford to be, in my situation [as I am sure, most people will identify with].

I knew by age fourteen…at the latest…I accepted and embraced it, at around twenty one…twenty two…By this time, I just had to accept this reality of my life. From that point, I would never again put myself through feelings of shame…nor believe that I am any less human, than another.