Life

Life “Life just seems to be fading away…Which is much of the reason, why I’ve earnestly wanted to record so many things, over the last several years…” Leaving my mark on the world is not a simple matter…Nor is the question of what exactly do you do with yourself to better the world, when you live a dangerously marginalized existence… Recording my life [however much is safe to]…my philosophies, opinions and viewpoints…responding to the hurt and injury I experience, trying to explain why maltreatment of sexual [or any] minorities is so wrong… …It’s not a pursuit of vain self glory…but one voice which exists, telling the rest of the world…You’ve gone too far… I’ve spent a lifetime, on the sidelines…being forced to feel helpless, about being able to do anything about all of this…I’ve spent over half of that, with crippling, progressing and overwhelming health issues…watching days and opportunities dwindle…every advancing day, feeling like they are a little bit more out of reach… I cannot properly put into words, just how absolutely frustrating it has been…having to contend with these personal obstacles…this enormous “ball and chain”… I’ve known for many years that my days are numbered…and in such a way that they are much shorter, than what is left for most people my age… I’ve seen and felt death walking half a step behind me, for years…these last three years, have been especially awful… …While I am not looking for sympathy, and I will embrace my own death when it comes [this life has had a lot of suffering, and been severely difficult]…truth is…because I have known that I will not live to be “old” old…this has caused a great deal of urgency within me, to do something for the betterment of mankind [even if this focus is primarily on sexual minorities, and with limited reach]…I will never have a successful career, wealth or a lot of material things…My fateful circumstances, have seen to this…I don’t even have much left to lose… My writing and modest, self taught media skills…are all that I have…hence, they are what I share…and they are what I push back with… …My life, has been one lived…endlessly under threat by one source or another, often multiple at once…and I am sick to death, of remaining undercover…hidden…all the while watching what time I have left, dwindle…fade away. This has probably been the reason, why I have put myself out here like I have…why I’ve weathered so much abuse and bile, from every angle and from every camp…for many years. I will be dead, all too soon…I may be unable to do anything at all, even sooner… …I cant live with myself, doing nothing. …And I cant live even a single day more of my life, with being irrelevant. Frodo: “I wish none of this had happened.” Gandalf: “So do all who live to see such times, but that is not for them to decide. All we have to decide is what to do with the time that is given to us.” …I have chosen, what to do with the time I have left. If you damn me for this…then you damn me, because I fight for an understanding, tolerant and better world. – Steve Diamond