Why All of This?
Why do you blog [write, and sometimes record and produce media]?
I am like most people facing immense social obstacles and pressures…Things often seem insurmountable, and leave me feeling like everything in this world is chaos crashing down upon me…
One thing I am far beyond sick to death of…is this sense that everything exists outside of my own reach of influence…that the world “is just the way it is, and you can’t do anything about it”…
The impact of this chronic state, has led me through an existence plagued by personal paralysis, dread, cycles of deep depression, anger…an undeniable knowledge, that I cannot continue on like this…Not just because I find what is happening to “my kind” to be reprehensible…but because everything this culture puts people like me through…it is physically killing me…
At some point during a long string of varied events, over more than a decade…I eventually could no longer deal with the chaos, the hate and pressure, and started having progressively worse bouts of desperation, depression…and at times, seething anger…and I was no longer coming out of these episodes, the same as I was prior to entering them. Something irreversible occurred in a few cases in particular, and I came out of it mentally altered…in ways that have never left me, since.
A few times, this really disturbed and scared me…because I did not know how to deal with something this extreme, and overwhelming…I did not know where it was heading.
Being an animal of habit…I have for many, many years, returned to an activity which I not only find to be one of personal comfort…but it also gives me something to build structure and meaning in my own life, to stave off the relentless chaos in this world…This really gets down to the crux, of why I cling to my own writing…and why I fiercely fight, those who would try to take it [or my voice] away from me…
I never thought that I would get substantial attention from others, when I started blogging…I did not think I would change the world, nor lead a revolution…The humble roots where it all started to take form, were that of a place I needed to express myself and just get out a lot of things…a project where I wanted to be seen, to be understood by others, and to be validated for who I am and what I was [am] going through.
Despite the very strong, raw emotion behind it…there has never been anything sinister, in my motives…To be entirely honest, I believed I was doing probably the best possible thing anyone in my circumstances even could have been doing…Trying to tare open festering social issues, and bring the root problems to the surface…Trying to give some sort of voice, to what torture it is living under these social problems…And I was dangerously laying myself bare, open to scrutiny and vitriol [from all sides; It has been a very vulnerable, at times uncomfortable place for me to be.], addressing the raw and even embarrassing or regretful realities…weathering the negative, in hope that a true social discussion about “people like me” could finally take place…
…Or at the very least, so that a few people in this world might be less ignorant…less afraid of people like me…less filled with hate…and more likely, to set down at a table with people like me…So that we might one day, learn to treat everybody like a human being. I want for there to be a working, living dialogue between “people like me”…and all of “the rest of you”.
At the same time…running the various online resources I have had over the years [there have been a number of them], has been my own path of maintaining some degree of control in my own life…It has given me an outlet, and it has given me something to look forward too…Something to work on, and envision improvements for.
I decided years ago, despite everything…I will take what I have been subjected to, and channel it into something positive which works for a greater good…and also that I will never reward those who attack me for doing this, by relenting and going silent.
I do these several things, because I believe that people like me should be doing these things…I believe it is imperative, that people like me do something about their situation [and that of others, also affected]…And while I may not be the best at it, I wish to support this by example.
My motives were never complicated, nor especially lofty…They have been inherently human…and I think explicitly understandable…a natural commonality within much of the human species, to end suffering.
If I have had one fault in all of this…it may be that I have not adequately explained all of this, nor what my true motives have been, in a way that most people will understand and be set at ease by.